A brilliant Thanksgiving idea.

Triumph the Insult Comic Dog should commentate on the Macy's Thanksgiving Day Parade. Meredith Viera SUCKS. Triumph all the way!

Giving thanks.

‘Tis the season of giving thanks, and tomorrow we will give thanks by eating until we cannot possibly eat anymore, then eating some more, then falling asleep in front of the television watching football, then waking up and getting drunk. Holla! But I thought since it is that thankful time of year, maybe I could take a break from being selfish for three seconds and jot down some things I am thankful for.

- My friends
- My family
- The fact that my grandma is a wicked good cook and will be preparing my Thanksgiving dinner
- My Camelbak water bottles. You guys get me through every day. Thank you
- That I didn’t go anywhere near a movie theatre the day New Moon opened. My 16-year-old cousin went to the midnight opening on Friday, then went again Friday night, then texted me a million times to tell me how awesome the movie is and how hot Jacob is. Can I just say I appreciate the abs, but his face is weird. TEAM EDWARD
- Iowa Hawkeye football
- Brett Favre
- Margaritas
- The roof over my head. It's a pretty sweet roof. I'm happy to live where I live.
- My cats
- The beautiful wonderful inventions that are the DVR, the high-definition - television, and the Playstation 3
- Spicy garlic sauce at Buffalo Wild Wings
- Ernie iPod
- Music
- Target
- The Book of Basketball. So far my favorite parts were when Simmons called coke “booger sugar” and on page 340 when he misspelled Sczcerbiak. You have 800 people reading your book before it goes to press, but you can’t get someone to double check the spelling of weird names?
- Sephora-exclusive OPI nail polishes. I have purchased many flavors
- Scrabble on iGoogle – I was thisclose to reactivating my Facebook account when I stumbled across this gem. My mom and I have three or four games going at any given time
- Tickets to see Edward Sharp and the Magnetic Zeros on Sunday
- Miller Genuine Draft
- The Big Lebowski. Even if it drives my mom crazy when I talk along with the movie. Sorry, Mom. The Dude and Walter are the Cher Horowitz of my 20s. P.S. I still talk along with Clueless (and about eighty other movies). P.P.S. Isn't it better than when Dad repeats funny lines immediately after they happen?


I had a whole big rant going about the legalization of gay marriage/Adam Lambert but I will save it for another day. For today, let's just be thankful for what we do have, shall we?

Parenting 101.

You all know that I love Christmas, and I love Christmas movies. One of my favorites is Home Alone, a cute movie about (SPOILER ALERT!) a kid who is accidentally left home alone while the rest of his family jets off to France for the Christmas holiday. It's funny and sweet and touching, and of course there is a happy resolution. But what the movie is REALLY about, which everyone chooses to ignore, is that this kid's parents (the guy from Beaches and Catherine O'Hara) are shitty parents. Just because they live in a beautiful gigantic house in Chicago and can afford to take their ridiculous number of children to France doesn't make them any less shitty parents, because they FORGOT THEIR CHILD AND WENT ON VACATION.*

I realize certain things have to happen to move a storyline along, and really this premise wouldn't work if these people weren't shitty parents, but all the nicey nice, happy reunion crap at the end is just absurd, since in real life this kid would have spent the rest of his life in therapy. And even though the parents learn their lesson in the end and everyone is happy and hearts are warmed, they apparently didn't learn their lesson at all, because their shitty parenting practices warranted a sequel - Home Alone 2: Lost in New York, where this same kid gets left behind AGAIN - and then, according to Wikipedia, TWO MORE sequels about different shitty parents.

This whole post was pretty pointless, since I truly enjoy this movie, own it on DVD and will probably watch it five more times between now and Christmas. It was just an observation I made, and for those of you out there with kids, maybe you can learn something from this. I don't think it's right for people who don't have kids to give people with kids parenting advice, but I think this is pretty obvious: DON'T LEAVE YOUR YOUNG KIDS AT HOME ALONE WHILE YOU GO ON VACATION. Just a public service announcement brought to you by Give me the Franzia.


*One time some family friends forgot their granddaughter at church, where she was playing with toys in the back room. They drove the mile home, realized their mistake and went back for her. She was none the wiser. This is not shitty grandparenting, it's just funny.

What I'm missing.

Flenker is in Iowa City this weekend, and really wanted me to come, and I really wanted to go. Why would I want to go to Iowa City, you ask?

1.) Iowa vs. Minnesota. Floyd of Rosedale. The last Iowa game I went to was last year's Minnesota blowout at the Dome, and the last game I went to at Kinnick Stadium was in September of 2007. That's a long time to be away from Kinnick.
2.) I like to get drunk.

Flenker made me a lot of offers I was almost unable to refuse. He tried to bribe me with food (delicious falafel at Oasis, probably my most favorite ice cream in the world at Whitey's, Hamburg Inn), with alcohol and even said that we could meet in Des Moines and he would drive the rest of the way. I almost went for it, I really did. It was a very tough decision to stay behind, but in the end, I knew it was for the best, and that my liver would thank me. You're welcome, liver.

Then last night I got this text message:
Just saw a little person puke. I love Iowa City

and then a few minutes later:
Shit, that wass just topped by the little person doing the ymca

Sigh. Keep on being awesome, Iowa City.

Rub-a-dub dub.

I have been just exhausted all week ever since my drunkfest in Iowa last weekend, and all week all I've wanted to do was sleep. I haven't done anything productive (I'm still working on the slideshow for my grandparents' anniversary party which is now SIX DAYS away and why doesn't PhotoStory 3 just automatically set the length of time to display each photo to match the music? Argh)and I was so looking forward to sleeping in this morning, and I was doing a really good job of it until I woke up at 8 a.m. and couldn't get back to sleep. It's too cold to run, so I thought well, I'll catch up on some stuff on the internets until I am awake enough to go to Target. And while I catch up on stuff on the internets, I thought, I'll turn on the TV. So I went to turn on Gameday, but Gameday doesn't start until nine. So then I thought, I'll watch The Soup. It doesn't start until nine either. I have settled for Meatballs on Comedy Central, a movie I've never seen with Bill Murray that so far appears to be profoundly stupid.

BUT, my friends M and C recently acquired a hot tub, and last night M and I sat in it for almost two hours, and it was the most glorious two hours I can remember recently. I have not been that relaxed in months. Sometimes in hot tubs I feel too hot or like it's too bubbly, but this hot tub is perfect. I am going to move into the hot tub; that is where I will live. My new address will be c/o M and C's hot tub, Bloomington, MN. I really did not want to get out, ever.

It is time, I suppose, for me to go and do something of a productive nature. This does not make me happy, but I suppose it is necessary.

Hollywood: Making America stupider.

Take a look at this man. Who does he look like?

If you said Omar Epps, you are correct. This man is a dead ringer for Omar Epps, but he is not Omar Epps. He is Mike Tomlin, coach of the Pittsburgh Steelers. Even though he looks like an actor playing a football coach, he actually is a football coach, not (to my knowledge) an actor. When he gets fired (because at some point, he inevitably will; all football coaches do) he will become a movie star. He will have no choice. It is his destiny.

And hopefully, when he becomes a movie star, he will be a better actor than the following three people people. These are my top choices for People Whose Movie-Making Licenses Should Be Revoked.

Offender: Sandra Bullock
I liked her in: Speed, While You Were Sleeping, Two Weeks Notice. (Shut up.)
What happened: There has always been an annoying factor with Sandra that I was either able to ignore or was charming during these three movies. Otherwise? Not so much.
And now: First there was this All About Steve movie. I am not even going to post the trailer here, because it was THAT BAD. The trailer, I mean. No way was I seeing the movie. And then there was this:



Um, yeah. I love a good sports movie. Even a good cheesy, over the top, perhaps a little bit ridiculous sports movie. But this? This looks terrible. Sandra Bullock is a terrible actress. Take her license away.


Offender: Robin Williams
I liked him in: Dead Poets Society, Aladdin, Mrs. Doubtfire, Death to Smoochy
What happened: At some point this decade, Robin Williams decided he was only going to make movies that were absolute crap. He’s starting to realize that he is no longer relevant as a comedian or actor and is now getting desperate. He will make any movie. Any script they throw at him, he just says “I’ll make this!” License. Away.

Offender: John Travolta
I liked him in: Pulp Fiction. That’s it. I do not like John Travolta. I heard he is so far up in Scientology that he can kill a man with his mind. That’s not why I don’t like him, but it does make me a little afraid.
What happened: John Travolta suffers from the same affliction as Robin Williams. He is Getting Older and has decided that instead of making things that are relevant or meaningful, he will just make whatever because of course middle aged women will flock to the theatre to see him and Robin Williams in this piece of crap



because ZOMG MIDDLE AGED WOMEN LOVE JOHN TRAVOLTA AND ROBIN WILLIAMS IS FUNNY! It’s the same reason Wild Hogs made any money and prompted a discussion about it during a break at a meeting I was in one day. Yes, that really happened. In fact, it morphed into a discussion about Paul Blart: Mall Cop. I did not participate, just sat on the sidelines with my head in my hands. This is what Hollywood has come to. Hollywood's new slogan should be "Hollywood: Making America Stupider." At least until Mike Tomlin comes to town.

Hair today, gone tomorrow.

In 2003 Jon Gruden won a Super Bowl as the coach of the Tampa Bay Buccaneers. His hair at the time looked something like this.

That's not the best picture to show that he had a normal-looking head of hair, but it's the best I could find. Suffice it to say, at one point Jon Gruden's hair looked normal, okay?

In 2009 Jon Gruden is one of the color commentators on Monday Night Football, along with Mike Tirico and Ron Jaworski. Something has happened to Jon Gruden's head.

Again, not the best picture, especially since he's making a face that looks like a chipmunk. Trust me, though, the hair. It's ridiculous. What has happened to your hair, Jon?

Jon Gruden's hair aside, I really like the MNF crew.

Something I really like: Watching Ben Roethlisberger get sacked.

Something I really really like: Watching Eli Manning get sacked.

Something I really really really like: Watching Aaron Rodgers get sacked. It is my favorite thing about this season.

Tomorrow we will discuss NFL head coaches who should be movie stars and movie stars who should have their movie-making licenses revoked. You'll be riveted, I promise.*

*I can make no such promise.