Coma-chro-o-ome.

I am an easily annoyed individual. I am frequently annoyed by the sounds of my new upstairs neighbors, who seem to have much heavier footsteps than the old ones did. I can also hear their TV, which annoys me to no end. I can’t hear anything specific, just muffled noise. My el duderino always asks if this means that he can be extra loud, to which I say no, it does not. It’s apartment karma. If we put peace and quiet out there, we will get peace and quiet in return. I hope. If not, I’m going to start pounding on my ceiling with the handle of the broom. I am both classy and passive-aggressive.

I am annoyed by any number of other things. People are the most annoying. Last weekend we had a blizzard that dropped 17 inches of snow. It was actually pretty sweet, until the next day when I had to buy shovels and then use them. I thought after all that was over that I’d be able to stop talking about the God damned blizzard, but no. On Monday when I got to work it was all anyone could talk about. “That was really something, wasn’t it?” I heard someone say. “It sure snowed, didn’t it?” I hate to play into other people’s stereotypes about the Midwest, but it’s true, sometimes all the people have to talk about here is snow and which varieties of hot dish they prepared during the blizzard. I prefer to take this approach: It snowed. Move on. Yet someone will always keep bringing it up. I adore my grandmother, but old people are the worst when it comes to talking about the weather. The next time we talk, I can guarantee that we’ll spend at least five minutes of our conversation talking about how much snow I’ve been subject to here and how cold it is before she moves on to giving me a play-by-play of what the cats are doing.

Certain people’s voices grate on my ears like nails on a chalkboard. I was recently annoyed with someone, and requested of my mother that certain people be banned from my hospital room in the event that I am ever in a coma. They say that comatose patients are sometimes aware of their surroundings, and I’m pretty sure there are some people’s voices that would just make me want to give up. Today I started compiling a list of the people I would respond to positively in a coma.

1. Paul Simon
2. James Taylor, but he wouldn’t be allowed to sing “Shower the People” which is one of the dumbest songs of all time
3. Gus Johnson
4. Andre Benjamin. Have you ever noticed that his singing and speaking voices sound exactly the same? The only other person who can say that is Rod Stewart
5. Gary McCord and David Feherty, but only together
6. Jim Zabel
7. Conor Oberst
8. Peter Gabriel
9. Thom Yorke
10. Alex Trebek

I’m not just talking about playing a recording, which is why John Lennon and Frank Sinatra didn’t make the cut. They would actually have to come in and talk to me directly, and in some cases, sing. Chris Berman, Joe Buck, and Oprah Winfrey need not apply.

Who’s on your Coma List?