Give Me the Franzia and No One Will Get Hurt

This is not a test.

2012-01-01T17:52:00.001-06:00

Today I made the switch from Android to Apple. My transformation from PC to Mac is complete. This post is being brought to you by my shiny new white iPhone 4S.

#Wilco2011RoadTrip.

2011-12-31T09:00:00.001-06:00

One time my boyfriend made fun of me because it seemed as though I liked every musical act on the planet but not Wilco, and I said I wasn't a big fan, and he said that I'd just have to wait until we could go to a show together, and then I would see. Fast forward to this December, when we embarked on #Wilco2011RoadTrip (the official Twitter hashtag!) and hit three shows in three cities in four days.

Did it live up to the hype? Yes, yes it did. My mind was pretty blown at that first show. While I may not love the entire Wilco catalog of music, they are something to see live and absolutely incredible musicians.

Day 1: 12/03/2011 Ames to Kansas City
Stop 1: Huxley, Iowa - Casey's General Store
Stop 2: Iowa Welcome Center
"Welcome to Iowa. Figure it out, bitches." Seriously, if you've ever stopped at the Iowa Welcome Center north of the Missouri border while going southbound on I-35...what the fuck?

"Bearcat. Is that like a fat cougar?" -in reference to a billboard for Northwest Missouri State, located in Maryville, Missouri. If Cedar Rapids is the armpit of Iowa, Maryville is the sweaty buttcrack of the entire Midwest.

Stop 3: Flenker's house!
Stop 4: Flenker's house! We left to go to dinner and I forgot my phone. He lives directly across the street from a park which makes going around the block to go back impossible. I caught a lot of crap for this.
Stop 5: Blanc Burgers + Bottles, one of my favorite restaurants ever. Truffle fries, people. TRUFFLE FRIES.
Stop 6: The little cigar shop in Westport
Stop 7: Beer Kitchen
Stop 8: Uptown Theater, a gorgeous space where I made the comment that "Bud Light should never cost more than a nickel", Nick Lowe absolutely killed "Alison", and I promptly got overheated during Wilco's first song and had to spend part of the show in the lobby having my pulse checked. But really, the show was a-ma-zing.
Stop 9: The Foundry. Best people watching ever.
I was drunk and in my notes I have Stop 8 twice.
Stop 10: Westport Street Fare Food Truck. Holy fucking shit. I had the chicken confit tacos. You should go get some immediately. Confit is quite possibly the greatest culinary technique ever invented.
Stop 11: Flenker's house! I tried his IPA and it was good. I ate my chicken confit tacos. I snorted a lot.
"Should have moved out of the Shire"

Day 2: 12/04/2011 Kansas City to Des Moines to Ames
Stop 12: Westport Cafe for brunch with Flenker, Blake, and Maggie. I had the most amazing grilled cheese sandwich I've ever had. I might venture so far as to say it was the greatest sandwich I've ever had. I wanted to cry when I finished it because I was sad that there was none left. ...I like cheese.
Stop 13: Kearney, Missouri - Shell Station
Stop 14: A-Okay Antiques in Valley Junction, West Des Moines, Iowa
Stop 15: Atomic Garage in Valley Junction, West Des Moines, Iowa
Stop 16: The Longest Yard in Valley Junction, West Des Moines, Iowa, where we did not see anyone we know
Stop 17: The Val-Air Ballroom. I'm not going to even bother talking about the show here, but I would like to say this to Des Moines: the Val-Air Ballroom is a disgrace and your people are a disgrace. Read this, which sums up my feelings quite accurately.
Stop 18: Home!

Day 3: 12/06/2011 Ames to Minneapolis and back to Ames
Stop 19: Ames, Iowa - Casey's General Store
Stop 20: The State Theatre. I liked the Kansas City show better but the Minneapolis atmosphere better, if that makes any sense. Combine the two and heads might have exploded. I was getting a little tired of a few songs by this point, but they played "Muzzle of Bees" which made up for it.
"We just got Nick Rolled" -after Nick Lowe sang a song referencing Rick Astley
Stop 21: My Minneapolis apartment
Stop 22: Home!

So #Wilco2011RoadTrip was a success, due in great part to Wilco, and also to Nick Lowe who is just a beautiful person and who I think should be at all my family holidays. The Kansas City and Minneapolis shows both concluded with Wilco and Nick Lowe singing "Cruel to be Kind." Folks, it does not get much better than that.

Glory to God, via the clown car vagina.

2011-11-08T11:17:00.002-06:00

I recently stopped watching/reading the news. Not only have I stopped paying attention to it, I actively avoid it. I reached a point where knowing what was going on in the world only served to make me angry or depressed. One day after screaming at NPR on my drive to work, I decided it was time to call it quits with the news. The only idea I have of what's been going on in the world at large has come from Twitter. If it isn't sports-related, I otherwise haven't paid attention.

In spite of my aversion to anything current events-related I couldn't help but notice a Facebook post this morning about Michelle Duggar (or as my mom would call her, the woman with the "clown car vagina") being pregnant again. It's normally something I would have skimmed over, but the comments were too good for me to pass up. First there was this one:

Why is having more than 2 children so often treated like some kind of social disease? If the family can support themselves without our tax dollars and they are raising responsible citizens, what's it to you? (and by "you" I mean those who think she's a freak or a terrible human being).

A freak, yes, but do I think Mrs. Duggar is a terrible human being? No, I do not; in fact, from what little I've seen of her she seems like a very sweet woman. Do I think it is terrible of her to bring 19, now 20 children into the world? I certainly do not agree with her decision to keep having babies until her uterus explodes, and it is certainly not something I would ever choose for myself, but I do not think she is a terrible human being.

I responded by saying:
There's a big difference between having 3 or 4 kids and having 20 kids. Not to mention the fact that there are already 7 billion people on the planet. I would have a lot more respect for them if they had adopted 20 kids.

To which I received this reply:
My point still remains. They're paying taxes, they don't need food stamps or medicare...they're instilling good morals in all their children to love others and serve others... What's the big deal?

I'll tell you what the big deal is. Sure, they are paying taxes and don't need food stamps or Medidcare. But how much of their financial support is coming from pimping their 19 "blessings" on a reality television show, and what does that teach their children? What are the good morals that are being instilled in them?

The girl went on to defend the Duggars by saying they are not "pimping" their family out on TV. They have a fascinating life that people are genuinely interested in and that is one of the many way that they are able to provide for their family. They're living their lives publicly to show people how they live (whether it's religious or familial that others are interested in). Not all reality TV is corruptive. If you watch the show, you will see that they are pretty normal, all things considering. It's certainly not rural Jersey Shore...

All things considered, they're pretty normal. Except for the fact that they have a family six times the size of the average American family, except for the fact that Michelle Duggar has spent a total of 15 years of her life pregnant (thanks Sarah for that little tidbit), except for the fact that they are reality television stars, yep, they're just like you and me! But it's okay because, according to their website, it's all for "GOD who delights in demonstrating his great power" [through Michelle Duggar's reproductive system].

Bob Barker was concerned with controlling the pet population.

What about controlling the people population?

Office politics.

2011-10-18T08:24:00.001-05:00

I have been trying to cut back on my television viewing recently, or maybe not so much trying as I just plain haven't had as much time to watch television. I'm sticking with my old staples but I am making an effort to not get suckered into too many new shows (the exceptions here being American Horror Story and Modern Family - yes, I realize I am a little late to that party). I deleted many things off my DVR when I finally decided I would never watch them, and watched a few things I had saved. I have come to terms with the fact that while NTSF:SD:SUV is a great show, I do not need to record the entire series and can be satisfied with catching an episode here and there.

So I'm learning to let go, which I suppose is important, and which also makes me sound a little pathetic since the topic at hand is television shows.

Sometimes it's just hard to let go of fictional characters and terrible storylines that you've devoted years to watching. Sometimes it isn't. Such is the case with The Office. When the American series began, I, as a David-Brent-is-the-only-boss-for-me Office purist, made a solemn vow to never watch the knockoff. I succeeded until I saw the first Dundies awards, and then I was hooked. I've been a devotee ever since. For God's sake, I wrote this blog post and have bawled like a baby every single time I've watched Jim and Pam's wedding.

I knew things would be different when Michael Scott departed for Colorado. What I didn't know was that The Office would completely suck. It's not just Michael's absence. Pam Beesly, a character whom I used to love and root for, is unbelievably annoying and I would now like her to die in a house fire.

And so, after watching only one episode this season, I have kindly asked my DVR to never record another episode of The Office, and it has obliged. I will happily never watch another new episode, unless Pam Beesly is to die in a house fire - so if she does, please let me know.

Rejection, schmejection.

2011-10-11T08:18:00.000-05:00

I am in the throes of a Major Job Search, which is the result of a Major Life Change, which involves moving back to Iowa after living in Minneapolis for the past six years, which came about after I saw a gorgeous Iowa sunset and had a come-to-Jesus moment, if you will. I have been applying for jobs - 53 of them, currently, but who's counting? (me) - since August 27th. I have not been selected for one interview. Until yesterday, no one had contacted me via telephone.

I would understand this constant stream of rejection if I was applying for all jobs that are way out of my league, and I will admit that a couple of them have been way out of my league, because what does it hurt to apply for a job that is way out of your league? The vast majority, however, have been pretty standard administrative assistant positions and other general office things that I am certainly qualified to do. While I continue to try to tell myself that no one wants to hire me because I am TOO awesome, it is a little disheartening to receive rejection letter after rejection letter, especially when every rejection letter sounds exactly the same. Someone ought to hire me as a rejection letter writer.

I know there is a light at the end of the tunnel and I am trying very hard to wait patiently to get to that light but when I decide to do something (like pack up my life and move out of state) I pretty much want to do it immediately. I was antsy after one week and it's now been a month and a half. My other big concern is that I would really like to move before the winter, and even though the weather is beautiful right now and we're still getting a little Indian summer, I am wholly aware of the fact that it could start snowing at any second and it would be nice to have all my belongings packed and be out of town before the snow starts to fly.

Otherwise, things are going very well and I am very happy, very very happy in fact, so I am determined to not let my looming job search bring me down too much. This fall has been spectacular and has been filled with good times and good friends and good food and good beer and football, and who could ask for anything more?

Birthdaystravaganza!

2011-09-09T10:03:00.002-05:00

This is a little late but my dad, Captain Crab, pirate of the high seas, turned 60 on Wednesday. That night he told me that there aren't many people his age as cool as him. This is true, but it's also true that there aren't many people as cool as him, period. I love him an awful lot, and I don't get to see him enough, which is why this weekend's Dad's Birthdaystravaganza! is going to be extra special. You see, a little football team called the Iowa Hawkeyes - perhaps you have heard of them - is taking over Jack Trice Stadium to kick the shit out of a little team called the Iowa State Cyclones, and my dad and I are taking over Ames for the weekend. There will be a little football, a little (or lot) of booze, and I'm sure a lot of laughs. I can't wait.

He was cool then, and he's cool now. I love you, Dad!

Hacked.

2011-07-25T08:48:00.000-05:00

My Twitter account was hacked on Friday afternoon. Did you know that you can't change your password from mobile Twitter? It's true. So if you're ever in the same boat and your Twitter account has been hacked and you don't have access to a computer all weekend, be aware that you are going to receive many messages to let you know that your account has been compromised. Fortunately many of them will be hilarious:

Either you wants to be my pharmacist or somebody is spreading rumors.

Either you really did DM me about buying Viagra, or you've been hacked.

Either you got hacked, or you really want me to get my erectile dysfunction in check...

I didn't know you were an online pharmacist! Cool. And here I've been needing Cialis and all...

Your account probably got hacked. Probably?

and my favorite...
Thanks. We appreciate your concern for our boners.

U Suck, U2.

2011-07-22T10:50:00.002-05:00

This weekend a little band called U2 is going to be playing a little place called TCF Bank Stadium and it is all anyone here can talk about because OMG U2. There are two things I’m really excited for this weekend: this U2 show to be over and the movie Friends With Benefits to come out so I can stop seeing previews for it. You suck, Hollywood. Mila Kunis doesn’t even show her own ass in a movie that as far as I can tell is a only very slight step down from a Skinemax movie.

Anyway, I’m really tired of hearing about the U2 concert. I don’t care, and I don’t care because I hate U2, the most overrated rock band of all time. I have no problem with Bono the humanitarian, who has done many wonderful things for humankind. I do have a problem with Bono the musician, who continues to barrage us with album after album of shitty music. Yet for some reason music critics continually cream themselves over this shit. Never have I seen a musical act get its ass kissed so much, and for no apparent reason. This is the band who began a song by counting “Uno, dos, tres, catorce!” Do you know what catorce means? It means fourteen. One, two, three, fucking fourteen. The Edge is hailed as some kind of guitar wonderboy, even though I have never seen any evidence of any spectacular playing ability.* The Edge is a tool. Look at the guy. He looks like a pedophile just sprung from prison. And you know someone has to be a self-centered jackass to give themself a name like “The Edge.” Maybe he’s a nice guy. Maybe he didn’t even give himself the name. But it takes a certain level of self-righteous jackassedness to parade around and introduce yourself as something like “The Edge.” “Hi, nice to meet you. I’m The Edge.” That doesn’t even make any sense. The edge of what? Hopefully a knife, so I can jab it into my abdomen.

The other day as I was driving back to work after lunch I heard two U2 songs back-to-back on the Current. I can’t remember which two songs they were (since all U2 songs sound alike) but the DJ went on to say that it was three U2 songs in a row that we were listening for, not two, before we could call in and have a chance to win concert tickets. No thanks, and please don’t ruin my day by making me listen to three god awful whiny songs in a row. All I can say is, thank goodness I can switch over to NPR when these situations arise.

*Look, I’m not saying the guy is a talentless schlub. It’s obvious he has talent; you don’t become the lead guitarist of one of the world’s best selling bands without it. I’m just saying he’s not a Hendrix, not a Page, not a Morello and not a Jack White**.
**the most underrated guitarist of our generation

My mayor...

2011-06-27T08:29:00.000-05:00

updates his own Twitter account, rides on the back of a motorcycle in the Pride parade, and fights every day for equality.

Thank you, Mayor Rybak.

I like makeup and nail polish and stuff.

2011-05-16T09:28:00.002-05:00

So I'm writing about it over at H Goes Girly to spare you all the pain of having to read about it here.

Long time, no chat.

2011-04-28T08:58:00.000-05:00

It's come to my attention (thanks to a Postcrossing member from whom I received a postcard this week) that I need to update my blog. So I am, but to tell you the truth, I don't really give much of a crap about this blog anymore. It could be argued based on my lack of posting over the past two and a half months that I don't give a crap at all. This is probably true. If my blog title wasn't so stinking clever I might delete the whole thing. But I won't. All I'm saying is, don't hold your breath waiting for updates.

Yesterday was Administrative Professionals day, or as people who don't care about being all PC and shit about it (me) would say, Secretary's Day. The el duderino informed me last night that they were very busy at his restaurant because it was "Take your secretary to work day." I said, "Isn't every day take your secretary to work day?" He meant "take your secretary to lunch day."

There are a few things I am psyched out of my mind about, but I am especially psyched about the royal wedding. Make fun if you must but this is pretty much the most exciting thing that has ever happened. I will be getting up before the sun and having a breakfast of glazed donuts and copious amounts of Mountain Dew. I thought about going the route of scones and tea but I don't like tea and scones sounded like a pain in the ass. I'm celebrating the royal wedding in a fat, lazy, Americanized way.

Since the Twins suck I have turned my attention to the NBA playoffs. I've been cheering for the Thunder and the Grizzlies. If the Grizzlies take this series against the Spurs they'll play the Thunder in the next round I'm not sure what I'll do. I refuse to watch any Bulls games because I hate Joakim Noah. I have hated him since he was in college. He is just a dirty, punk ass looking kid. I don't like the Bulls anyway, so it works out.

Has anyone else noticed that Dwight Howard looks like Beetlejuice when he gets his head shrunk? Dwight's shoulders are way too big and his head is way too small.

Please, not the black-eyed peas.

2011-02-07T09:04:00.000-06:00

I just have one little gripe about the Super Bowl, aside from the obvious (that the Packers won). Everyone keeps talking about how bad the sound guy was during the halftime show, saying that he 'should be shot'. I disagree. I think he should be given a medal for trying to save our ears from the horrifying sounds of the Black Eyed Peas. It was not the sound guy's fault that the halftime show sucked.

Let's be honest - the music at the Super Bowl was terrible this year. I'm sorry to all my friends who like Glee, which I'm pretty sure is all of them. This is the first time I'd ever heard Lea What's-Her-Face sing, and I was not impressed. Perhaps if she had been able to stay on pitch. I thought things would surely improve once Christina Aguilera took the stage, but her voice was all over the place and she forgot the words to the National Anthem. Not five minutes earlier I had said, "I hope she forgets the words to the National Anthem." This happened once to a girl in my high school, and it was one of the greatest things ever. She just froze, though, but Christina kept right on singin'.

I would actually be kind of okay if they just stopped doing Super Bowl shows altogether. The only one I remember ever actually liking was Prince. Maybe he should be the permanent halftime entertainment.

How Not to Blow Your Lead in the Final Week of your NFL Picks League: A Guide.

2011-01-04T15:24:00.001-06:00

DON’T expect that Eric Mangini will attempt to pull out a win in a last ditch effort to save his job.
DO expect that Eric Mangini will royally screw you over and then try to eat you.

DON’T expect Ellen DeGeneres’ twin sister (Jay Cutler) to throw fewer than two interceptions or try to eke out a win to keep a division rival out of the playoffs. If I had the chance to keep a team out of the playoffs I would come at it like an angry tornado. Cutler, on the other hand...
DO expect Jay Cutler to spend the game flopping around on the field like a fish.

DON’T expect Indianapolis to win by more than one touchdown against a 6-9 team. That would be too easy.

DON’T expect the Vikings to try to squeeze out a win to avoid being in last place in the NFC North for the first time in 20 years.
DO expect Ndamukong Suh and Ashlee Palmer (yes, a linebacker named Ashlee) to come at you like a freight train.
DON’T expect Amari Spievey to forget everything Norm Parker taught him and DON’T be surprised when he snatches a shitty Joe Webb pass from its intended receiver.

Which is the most painful part? I’m going to go with picking the Browns, my underdog pick of the week. Here’s an idea: DON’T make an underdog pick in the final week when you have a narrow lead. Underdog picks are a high risk, high reward endeavor that have no place in a final week, down-to-the-wire scenario, especially not with a sure thing (*cough* Patriots *cough*) screaming for your attention. Placed correctly, the three points I put on Cleveland would have meant a win and not my second consecutive year in second place. Second place isn’t that bad…but it is the first loser. Fuck you Eric Mangini.

Brain drain.

2010-12-22T09:40:00.000-06:00

I am lacking in inspiration in all aspects of life right now. I can’t get it up, so to speak. I can’t come up with anything to write about, and what little I do write is, well, shitty. Words escape me. I sit with my fingers ready to dance over my keyboard, only to have them freeze. Stage fright, perhaps? I can’t blame it on my metacarpals, though. It’s not their fault. It’s the fault of my brain, sitting empty, turning more to mush with every word that eludes me. This isn’t writer’s block. It’s something completely different, a complete lack of inspiration.

I could blame the weather, which has forced me to stay indoors and given me plenty of time to exercise my creative muscles but left me with no creativity within them. Winter is a cold, blustery bitch. It gets dark early, the sun comes up late, it’s cold, and while watching episode after episode of 16 and Pregnant does make me glad I didn’t get knocked up in high school, it doesn’t do much to stimulate the mind. My body remains sedentary, and so does my brain. I must have used up all my saved creativity for winter last year, which was a highly productive season for me writing-wise. Now? I’ve got bupkis.

Therefore I’ve decided that I have to have an intervention with myself to kick start my creativity. I’m not really sure to go about such a thing having never done it before, but I’ll be sure to take notes. It’s going to start with a lot of reading – I’ve packed a variety of reading material for my Christmas vacation, the kind of books that make me think like a writer: The Adventures of Augie March, an anthology of short stories edited by David Sedaris, something by Chuck Klosterman. I’ve been spending a lot of time on Free Rice, boning up on my vocabulary. Sure, I’ll occasionally switch subjects, but I always go back to the vocab. I’m expanding my lexicon and helping to save the world. I’m playing the piano more, which has nothing to do with writing but at least gets my brain cells moving around a little bit. I’m pretty sure I still have a few – they’re just lazy. I’ll get them working again, one way or another.

And if all else fails, there’s always booze.

Coma-chro-o-ome.

2010-12-14T15:36:00.000-06:00

I am an easily annoyed individual. I am frequently annoyed by the sounds of my new upstairs neighbors, who seem to have much heavier footsteps than the old ones did. I can also hear their TV, which annoys me to no end. I can’t hear anything specific, just muffled noise. My el duderino always asks if this means that he can be extra loud, to which I say no, it does not. It’s apartment karma. If we put peace and quiet out there, we will get peace and quiet in return. I hope. If not, I’m going to start pounding on my ceiling with the handle of the broom. I am both classy and passive-aggressive.

I am annoyed by any number of other things. People are the most annoying. Last weekend we had a blizzard that dropped 17 inches of snow. It was actually pretty sweet, until the next day when I had to buy shovels and then use them. I thought after all that was over that I’d be able to stop talking about the God damned blizzard, but no. On Monday when I got to work it was all anyone could talk about. “That was really something, wasn’t it?” I heard someone say. “It sure snowed, didn’t it?” I hate to play into other people’s stereotypes about the Midwest, but it’s true, sometimes all the people have to talk about here is snow and which varieties of hot dish they prepared during the blizzard. I prefer to take this approach: It snowed. Move on. Yet someone will always keep bringing it up. I adore my grandmother, but old people are the worst when it comes to talking about the weather. The next time we talk, I can guarantee that we’ll spend at least five minutes of our conversation talking about how much snow I’ve been subject to here and how cold it is before she moves on to giving me a play-by-play of what the cats are doing.

Certain people’s voices grate on my ears like nails on a chalkboard. I was recently annoyed with someone, and requested of my mother that certain people be banned from my hospital room in the event that I am ever in a coma. They say that comatose patients are sometimes aware of their surroundings, and I’m pretty sure there are some people’s voices that would just make me want to give up. Today I started compiling a list of the people I would respond to positively in a coma.

1. Paul Simon
2. James Taylor, but he wouldn’t be allowed to sing “Shower the People” which is one of the dumbest songs of all time
3. Gus Johnson
4. Andre Benjamin. Have you ever noticed that his singing and speaking voices sound exactly the same? The only other person who can say that is Rod Stewart
5. Gary McCord and David Feherty, but only together
6. Jim Zabel
7. Conor Oberst
8. Peter Gabriel
9. Thom Yorke
10. Alex Trebek

I’m not just talking about playing a recording, which is why John Lennon and Frank Sinatra didn’t make the cut. They would actually have to come in and talk to me directly, and in some cases, sing. Chris Berman, Joe Buck, and Oprah Winfrey need not apply.

Who’s on your Coma List?

Rudy! Rudy!

2010-12-02T15:34:00.000-06:00

I watched Rudy for the first time last night. I didn’t hate it, but it was a little over-the-top cheesy. I’m also pretty sure I missed 37% of the dialogue because I was too busy talking over the movie. Every line that Sean Astin said became exponentially better when I added the words “Mr. Frodo” to the end, especially his little speech about how no one ever believed in him and how he was going to prove them all wrong. When you think about it, Rudy and Samwise Gamgee are pretty much the same character. They’re both small. They both have put themselves up to daunting challenges: Rudy is determined to play football at Notre Dame even though he’s a 22-year-old socially awkward underachieving student; Sam is determined to help his good friend Mr. Frodo get to Mount Doom to destroy a ring. They both have friends with issues: Rudy’s new best friend, D-Bob (it made me laugh too) has trouble getting ladies; Sam’s best friend, Frodo, has in his possession an evil ring. They both believe they can do things no one else thinks they can, and they both eventually accomplish their goals. Rudy gets into Notre Dame and not only dresses for a football game, but gets to PLAY! Sam and Frodo make it to Mount Doom, the ring goes bye bye, and the world goes on! Put some elf ears on Rudy and they could be the same character.

I make fun but the movie wasn’t terrible. It was based on a true story, so it really is pretty incredible. I like Sean Astin. Jon Favreau was in it. Side note: I want to see a time lapse video of Jon Favreau through the years. He was fat, then he was less fat, then he was fat again, less fat, and now he’s really, really fat. Oh, and they said “shit” more times than I thought was allowable in a PG rated movie.

There were some issues with the story, though:

Rudy and his girlfriend break up at the church during his best friend’s funeral. Who does that? I laughed out loud.

This was set in 1975? Really? It looked like 1956. The haircuts, the costumes, the cars, everything. Or is Joliet, Illinois just two decades behind the times? If I go there right now will it be 1990?

Rudy was broke, having spent all his money on tuition, so broke in fact that he had to sneak into the maintenance room at the football stadium to sleep. Yet somehow every time something pivotal happens that he wants to rub in his father’s face, he manages to find a way to hop on a bus back home, only to turn around and walk right out as soon as his dad tells him he still doesn’t believe in him. It’s called a telephone, Rudy. Call collect! That’ll show the old man.

How could D-Bob afford a limo when he came back for Rudy’s big game? Didn’t he have student loan debt? Besides, who’s going to hire a lawyer named D-Bob?

November no more.

2010-11-29T14:51:00.000-06:00

Let’s see what else happened in November:

The majority of my Christmas decorations went up on November 1st. I barely lasted that long. Still no tree, but I’m planning on putting that sucker up tonight.

I have already watched Elf at least three times.

I have been to what seems like every Target store and Best Buy in the metro area searching for a video game that doesn’t exist. Then, when I realized my mistake, I went back to all of those Targets and Best Buys looking for the previous year’s version. I finally found it. Word to the wise: EA Sports isn’t making a college basketball game this year, and if you thought you saw a new version in the Target circular a couple weeks ago, you were sorely mistaken.

Thanksgiving came and went and was delicious. I like you, stuffing.

Gran Turismo 5 came out last Wednesday so what do you think I’ve been doing with every second of free time I have? Oh, yeah, writing a novel. Don’t worry, I’ve found plenty of GT5 time and it is ridiculously awesome. 1000 cars and 70 tracks? Yes please. Amazon also gave me a code for a free car for purchasing the game from them. The car is a Mercedes AMG Stealth and it rocks my face off.

Speaking of Amazon, I signed up for the free trial of Amazon Prime to get release day delivery of GT5, and I will never go back. No, I will not. There’s free two-day shipping on everything with no minimum purchase. How could I possibly say no to that?

Christmas cookie cutters arrive today. Then what little cookie dough I don't eat can be cut into shapes. Since I'm a relatively healthy eater and I don't dare keep anything that tastes good in my house (too much temptation) this year I will be mailing Christmas cookies.

My friend Andy went on vacation in southeast Asia and had me scared shitless during the stampede in Phnom Penh. Fortunately, he was on the other side of town, but for 12 hours of uncertainty I had myself convinced he was dead.

You’ll notice a new feature on the right sidebar of the ol’ blog, a Winter vs. H ticker. It hasn’t been TOO bad so far, but winter is already out to a 2-0 lead. Okay, winter, you win this round, but we’re not done yet.

I win.

2010-11-29T11:10:00.000-06:00

So, I wrote a novel. Those of you who have been following this and any of my other 99 blogs for any period of time know that this was not my first experience with NaNoWriMo. In fact, this was my fourth consecutive novel, which I will admit is pretty impressive, and if you are so impressed that you want to buy me shiny things I am totally okay with that.

In keeping with tradition, this year’s novel sucks. As usual, I started with the best of intentions and then things quickly went by the wayside. I’m starting to think that writing fiction is not for me. This thing has so many plot holes that it’s the literary equivalent of Swiss cheese. I know 30 days is not a lot of time to write a novel, but previous experience with coming up with “a plot” and creating “character development” leads me to believe that my novel wouldn’t have been any better if I had 300 days to write it. Still, I keep on trudging down this road every November, thinking that maybe this will be THE YEAR where I write something that’s worth working on after my 30 days are up. For now I’ll just hold out hope that next year will be THE YEAR.

Even though my novel is horrible and I’m so glad to have it done with, seriously, I was so tired of looking at it, now I am feeling a bit lost without having writing a novel to occupy my time. After I ran it through the word count validator last night I said, “Now what?” “You could play Gran Turismo,” the el duderino suggested, and while that was a valid option, I was mostly asking what I should do in a larger sense. (Gran Turismo 5 is super bad ass, though.) Certainly there’s more writing to be done, but I don’t really know what to do or where to start, so it looks like I might be taking a little hiatus while I figure things out. That ought to give me plenty of time to post random useless crap here. You’re welcome. If you have any suggestions, let me know.

31.

2010-11-23T23:28:00.000-06:00

I thought this was interesting. I've read 31 of these in their entirety (though I believe that the Harry Potter series should count as 7 separate entries). I also didn't count any of the Tolkien books, but my mom read them all to me when I was younger. And I've seen at least one movie version of 23 of these, so that has to count for something.

Have you read more than 6 of these books? The BBC believes most people will have read only 6 of the 100 books listed here. Bold those books you've read in their entirety; italicize the ones you started but didn't finish or read an excerpt.

1 Pride and Prejudice – Jane Austen

2 The Lord of the Rings – JRR Tolkien

3 Jane Eyre – Charlotte Bronte

4 Harry Potter series – JK Rowling

5 To Kill a Mockingbird – Harper Lee

6 The Bible - Author/s in Debate

7 Wuthering Heights - Emily Bronte

8 Nineteen Eighty Four – George Orwell

9 His Dark Materials – Philip Pullman

10 Great Expectations – Charles Dickens

11 Little Women - Louisa May Alcott

12 Tess of the D'Urbervilles - Thomas Hardy

13. Catch 22- Joseph Heller

14 Complete Works of Shakespeare

15 Rebecca – Daphne Du Maurier

16 The Hobbit – JRR Tolkien

17 Birdsong – Sebastian Faulks

18 Catcher in the Rye – JD Salinger

19 The Time Travellers Wife – Audrey Niffenegger

20 Middlemarch – George Eliot

21 Gone With The Wind – Margaret Mitchel

22 The Great Gatsby - F Scott Fitzgerald

23 Bleak House – Charles Dickens

24 War and Peace – Leo Tolstoy

25 The Hitch Hiker’s Guide to the Galaxy – Douglas Adams

26 Brideshead Revisited – Evelyn Waugh

27 Crime and Punishment – Fyodor Dostoyevsky

28 Grapes of Wrath- Steinbeck

29 Alice in Wonderland – Lewis Carroll

30 The Wind in the Willows – Kenneth Grahame

31 Anna Karenina –Leo Tolstoy

32 David Copperfield – Charles Dickens

33 Chronicles of Narnia – CS Lewis

34 Emma – Jane Austen

35 Persuasion – Jane Austen

36 The Lion, The Witch and The Wardrobe – CS Lewis

37 The Kite Runner – Khaled Hosseini

38 Captain Corelli’s Mandolin – Louis De Berniere

39 Memoirs of a Geisha - Willaim Golden

40 Winnie the Pooh – AA Milne

41 Animal Farm – George Orwell

42 The Da Vinci Code - Dan Brown

43 One Hundred Years of Solitude - Gabriel Garcia Marquez

44 A Prayer for Owen Meany – John Irving

45 The Woman in White – Wilkie Collins

46 Anne of Green Gables – LM Montgomery

47 Far from the Madding Crowd - Thomas Hardy

48 The Handmaid's Tale - Margaret Atwood

49 Lord of the Flies – William Golding

50 Atonement - Ian McEwan

51 Life of Pi - Yann Martell

52 Dune – Frank Herbert

53 Cold Comfort Farm - Stella Gibbons

54 Sense and Sensibility – Jane Austen

55 A Suitable Boy – Vikram Seth

56 The Shadow of the Wind – Carlos Ruiz Zafon

57 A Tale Of Two Cities – Charles Dickens

58 Brave New World - Aldous Huxley

59 The Curious Incident of the Dog in the Night-time – Mark Haddon

60 Love in the time of Cholera - Gabriel Garcia Marquez

61 Of Mice and Men – John Steinbeck

62 Lolita - Vladimir Nabokov

63 The Secret History - Donna Tartt

64 The Lovely Bones - Alice Sebold

65 Count of Monte Cristo – Alexandre Dumas

66 On the Road - Jack Kerouac

67 Jude the Obscure – Thomas Hardy

68 Bridget Jones’s Diary – Helen Fielding

69 Midnight’s Children – Salman Rushdie

70 Moby Dick – Herman Melville

71 Oliver Twist - Charles Dickens

72. Dracula - Bram Stoker

73 The Secret Garden - Frances Hodgson

74 Notes from a Small Island - Bill Bryson

75 Ulysses - James Joyce

76 The Bell Jar - Sylvia Plath

77 Swallows and Amazons – Arthur Ransome

78 Germinal – Emile Zola

79 Vanity Fair – William Makepeace Thackeray

80 Possession - AS Byatt

81 A Christmas Carol – Charles Dickens

82 Cloud Atlas - Charles Mitchell

83 The Color Purple - Alice Walker

84 The Remains of the Day – Kazuo Ishiguro

85 Madame Bovary – Gustave Flaubert

86 A Fine Balance – Rohinton Mistry

87 Charlotte's Web - EB White

88 The Five People You Meet In Heaven – Mitch Albom

89 Adventures of Sherlock Holmes – Sir Arthur Conan Doyle

90 The Faraway Tree collection - Enid Blyton

91 Heart of Darkness – Joseph Conrad

92 The Little Prince - Antoine de Saint Exupery

93 The Wasp Factory - Iain Banks

94 Watership Down - Richard Adams

95 A Confederacy of Dunces – John Kennedy Toole

96 A Town Like Alice – Nevil Shute

97 The Three Musketeers - Alexandre Dumas

98 Hamlet – William Shakespeare

99 Charlie & the Chocolate Factory - Roald Dahl

100 Les Miserables – Victor Hugo

May the force be with you.

2010-10-26T08:17:00.003-05:00

Christmas is coming, so lately there have been all sorts of ads on TV for ALL THE HOT TOYS THAT KIDS MUST HAVE THIS YEAR OMG. One such toy is a remote control Millenium Falcon advertised for the low low price of $49.99 (plus shipping and handling). Do people really buy things off TV commercials anymore? Don't they know the internets can give you remote control Millenium Falcons for less with free shipping? I mean seriously.

So last night the Millenium Falcon commercial came on for the 9000th time and as usual the el duderino went nuts over it. While I admit that I'm a bit of a Star Wars geek myself, I draw the line at action figures, figurines, and die cast models. The same is not true for Harry Potter - I spent several minutes at the mall recently drooling over this:

LEGO HOGWARTS. Awww, yeah.

I imagine that having a remote control Millenium Falcon would be fun for the first half hour or so, but the novelty would wear off pretty quickly. Where does one store a remote control Millenium Falcon?

Still, that didn't stop the el duderino and me from having the following exchange.

El duderino (staring wistfully at TV): We should get one of those!
Me: What are we going to do with a remote control Millenium Falcon?
El duderino: Fuck with the cats.

Some people just don't like the function keys.

2010-10-21T07:56:00.000-05:00

I saw this license plate this morning:

CR8URF8

It took me a few seconds, but I finally determined that the intended message was "create your fate." Before I arrived at that conclusion, though, I thought it said "crate your F8." I thought the driver just had something against the F8 key and wanted them all to be put in crates.

I've Really Let Myself Go.

2010-10-08T12:46:00.002-05:00

My cousin A is in town and I am meeting her for dinner tonight. This is nothing out of the ordinary, something that people do every day; I myself go out to dinner at least once a week. We made our plans to meet for dinner, everything’s fine, I was thinking about what time I need to leave the house and what it’s going to take to get me out the door, and then this thought popped into my head: “Oh crap, I’m going to have to put on makeup.” To be honest, it kind of made me want to call and cancel.

I am gainfully employed. I get up every morning and go to work, to a job where I have to interact with people. I used to put makeup on every day. Not anymore, my friends. At some point over the past few months, I have gotten so accustomed to sleeping until 7:05 a.m. and rolling into work three minutes late that I’ve almost completely cut makeup out of my daily routine. I wear mascara, because I firmly believe that no woman should ever leave the house without it. It’s just this dumb theory I have. But I haven’t put the rest of my face on before work for as long as I can remember, and since it’s now autumn and I’m starting to enter hibernation mode and am not leaving the house to participate in “social activities” as often as I did over the summer, anytime I am putting myself in a situation that I feel warrants makeup just seems like a chore.

People at work probably think I’ve let myself go. “That H,” they’re whispering, “she seems like she could be a really pretty girl, but she looks so tired and shitty all the time that it’s really hard to tell.” “Maybe she just had a kid or something,” someone else says back. “Having kids is hard. You don’t get to sleep and you don’t have time for yourself.”

Nope…I’m just fucking lazy.

An open letter to LeBron James.

2010-07-08T13:27:00.001-05:00

Dear LeBron,

I’d like to start off by saying that I think you’re adorable, and obviously massively talented. Until recently I thought you were one of the most humble, down-to-earth people in professional sports, if not the entire world. All this, of course, has changed. I know I’m not the only person out there who’s doing this today. I know there are people who care about you and your career way, way, way more than I do, and that’s fine. I even know you’re never going to read this. But I just have these thoughts, and this is my blog, so I’m going to let them out, mmmkay?

Look, I know you are super famous, and would like to be even more famous if it’s possible, and that you have a persona to build. I know you fancy yourself the greatest basketball player of all time, even though you’re not even close, at least not yet. I know you’ve remained loyal to your childhood friends and (until tonight) your hometown, and I respect that. I know you made more money before you got out of bed this morning – just by being YOU! – than I will see in my entire lifetime. I get that.

I just think that perhaps you’ve taken this whole King James thing a little too far. An hour of TV time tonight devoted just to you for you to make an announcement of where you’re going to play basketball next season? A whole HOUR? For you to say “I will play basketball in Miami [or New York, or Chicago]”? I just uttered that sentence, and it took approximately three seconds. What the hell are you going to talk about for a whole hour? I will not be tuning in.*

Beyond that, do you realize that the entire city of Cleveland as we know it is going to cease to exist after tonight? It was going to, anyway, no matter how you made your announcement. It’s going to get ugly, son. I understand why you’re leaving. You want more money, a bigger market, different teammates who haven’t boned your mom, and so on and so forth. You’ve outgrown Cleveland. What has Cleveland ever done for you? Besides give you the last eight years of their lives and all their collective hopes and dreams. You’re like the guy who gives the girl the huge engagement ring, promises her the world and then breaks up with her via e-mail. You’re using an hour of national television time to break up with an entire city. This might be one of the bitterest breakups of all time.

I know there’s a possibility that you will use your TV time tonight to announce your undying faithfulness to the Cavaliers.** If that’s the case, good for you! I still fail to understand why you need to be so theatrical about it. All it’s showing me is that your ego is hugely out of control. You’re not a king, you’re a tyrant, and I don’t like it one little bit.

Best of luck to you in all your future endeavors.
-H

*This is due to the fact that I don’t have cable. Whether I agree with the method of delivery or not, if I had TV I would be glued to that sucker tonight, as will every person in the world who is even marginally interested in the NBA.

**This is in no way a possibility

It's in the bag.

2010-07-02T08:52:00.002-05:00

I am totally copying this idea, because my brain is too fried for me to try to come up with any of my own ideas or actually write something. So let's play What's in H's Purse?

My current purse looks something like this:

Like all my purses, it's pretty large. I remember when I was little and used to give my grandma a hard time for not ever being able to locate anything in her purse. It was just large and filled with crap and it took her 20 minutes to find a mint. Now I am old and my purse is large and filled with crap and it takes me 20 minutes to find a mint.

If I was really ambitious, I'd take pictures of all the stuff in my purse, but really, what's the point, and let's face it, I'm not that ambitious. Here's the list:

Umbrella
Camera
Wallet
Manicure set
Nail file (yes, there's a nail file in the manicure set, but it sucks)
Cell phone
Work pager, because apparently my work thinks it's 1992
Loose change
Car/house keys
Spare car key
A lone dollar bill that's just floating around
Mirror
Various receipts
Notebook & pen
Gum
Small bag containing tampons, lipstick and Cherry Chapstick
Hairbrush
Kleenex

This is actually not as much stuff as is usually in there, but I just cleaned it last week. There wasn't really anything out of the ordinary, just about 800 gum wrappers and an unpaid parking ticket due to the city of Saint Paul. Not nearly as exciting as the day I was going through my purse and found one of those little butter packets from a restaurant. Real butter, too! JACKPOT! What's in your purse?

I want my MTV.

2010-06-25T10:51:00.002-05:00

I moved to my new apartment four months ago. In that time, I have not bothered to have cable/internet hooked up. There are many reasons for this: I’m extremely lazy. I have Netflix and have been dedicating lots of time to watching The Wire. I haven’t been spending that much time at home. It seemed like a good way to save money (yeah, like that worked). I have a smartphone and access to my e-mail and internet. I can occasionally pick up a free Wi-Fi signal from the city of Minneapolis.

I’ve finally decided, though, that it’s time to take the plunge and get this shit hooked up. I’m in the planning stages for a new internet-based project that I’m super psyched about, but in order to take on a project on the web, it would be nice to actually have a reliable internet connection. I’m completely out of touch with current events. Hey, did you know there was an oil spill? If it doesn’t show up in Politico headlines or I don’t read about it on Deadspin, I probably don’t know it happened. I have watched exactly two Twins games this season, and one of those was the one I attended in person. I just think it’s time. And now, looking through channel lineups, I’m starting to get a little excited. Here’s a brief rundown of all the things I’ve missed not having TV:

Jon Stewart
Stephen Colbert
Palladia
Mike and Mike in the Morning. Yes I’ve missed you, Greeny and Golic
Cartoons
Anthony Bourdain
Golf. Did you know that this is the first year ever that I didn’t watch the U.S. Open? Don’t worry – I’ll be back up and running for the Open Championship (my favorite major)
All my regular shows. I missed the end of the season for everything
Keith Olbermann
Rachel Maddow
Golden Girls reruns

Yep…I’m excited.

Disclaimer: I do not watch MTV and have not watched MTV on a regular basis since The Real World: Hawaii. I just needed a title for this post and found a little inspiration from Dire Straits, alright?!

Blast from the past.

2010-05-06T13:56:00.002-05:00

I recently attended that glorious spring high school tradition, The Prom. Now I know you’re saying to yourself “Isn’t H too old to go to prom?” and the answer to that is, yes, I am too old to go to prom. But it’s recently become quite clear to me that 18-year-old boys are much easier to train than full-grown, stubborn, set-in-their-ways, know-it-all men, so I’ve been trolling for the young ‘uns. I’m a cougar.

Kidding. Well, not about the cougar part.
(My high school mascot is the cougar, so technically I am one.)

Anyway, as I was saying, last weekend I went to prom. My best friend is a teacher at our old high school, which is completely weird in and of itself. She teaches alongside the same people whose classes I used to sleep through. Oh, the memories. This year, she got roped into being a prom sponsor. I’m not sure how she allowed that to happen, although it makes sense, because she is smart and crafty and ridiculously organized, even though you’d never guess it by looking at the interior of her car.

All along I joked that I wanted to go to prom with her, and finally the day came when she popped the big question. She said, “You do realize you’re going to prom with me, don’t you?” Ahhh, she’s so romantic.

My baby cousin also happens to be a junior this year, so this presented the perfect opportunity to spy on her. Score.

So last Saturday I spent a total of 13 ½ hours at my old high school. Not much about it has changed, except for all the cool shit they got after I graduated. There is now a TV in the commons – we were never so fortunate. They replaced the squeaky retro auditorium chairs with nice new blue ones and got rid of the holey auditorium curtain. They also have wireless microphones for the fine arts department now. Do you think I had a wireless microphone when I was singing solos in choir or performing in the fall play? NO. We learned to project our voices like REAL ACTORS. Kids these days are soft, I’m telling you.

The prom itself was exactly like prom when I was in high school, except with different decorations and different kids. I have to say that the decorations were lovely, even that fountain in the corner that kept making me have to pee. I was quite impressed with dress selection. Normally you see teenage girls in prom dresses and wonder, “What the hell were they thinking?” There were maybe three dresses I saw that made me wonder that. Everyone else chose dresses that were pretty, that fit them well, and that suited them. That never happens. I cried when I saw my cousin in her dress. Last week my grandmother and I had the following exchange:

Grandma: Does Cousin’s prom dress show a lot of skin?
Me: Yes.
Grandma: That’s not what Grandma wants to hear.
Me: Then Grandma shouldn’t have asked.

My grandparents were the first people to arrive at the prom. I wish I were joking. They got there at 4 o’clock to watch the grand march, which began at 5:30, and were surprised when I told them they weren’t letting people sit in the auditorium yet. They waited in the car.

High school kids have really horrible taste in music. I was excited when the DJ said “Let’s go back a few years!” I thought maybe, maybe he’d throw me a bone and go back to 2001 or something. Instead he played some shitty rap song from, like, 2007. I am old.

High school boys have also achieved new levels of douchebaggery I didn’t think possible. While waiting for the grand march to be over, I was talking with one of Stacey’s colleagues, who mentioned that it is now the norm for boys to tan for prom. Say what? I didn’t even tan for prom, and I am one of the pastiest beings in the known universe. I’m 26 years old and have never been in a tanning bed. She went on to tell me that not only did the boys tan for prom, but some of the sophomore boys were tanning to serve at the prom. She pointed one of them out to me; it was a kid I used to baby-sit. Kid, didn’t I teach you better?

I have already been informed that I’ve been “hired” for next year’s prom. I find that to be pretty humorous, since the word “hired” typically implies that you will be getting paid. Volunteered would be the better word choice there. It’s definitely something I will take into consideration, especially if they take my suggestion of a Wizard of Oz theme. If they do that, I think I’ll dress as the Tin Man.

Schmoop-a-loop.

2010-04-15T13:30:00.002-05:00

Lately I’ve been searching for inspiration, and finding it in the likeliest and most unlikely of places. I’m finding inspiration all over the place. Inspiration for my writing, inspiration for my being. I consider myself to be an optimist, but I do have an extremely cynical side. It might be the change in weather – spring has finally arrived! - but lately I find myself being less cynical and more inspired. Spending a lot of time with a person who might be the most upbeat, positive person I know doesn’t hurt things, either. Not to get all schmoopy and stuff, but I’ve been kind of schmoopy lately. At least I’m not gushing.

People always ask me what I do for a living. It’s a pretty standard question, and I often find myself asking it, too, even though I detest it being asked of me. What I do has very little to do with who I am. It’s my job, and I go there every day and I do things, and they pay me money, and I leave it there. (The work, not the money.) I’m okay with that. I like not being defined by my occupation. Perhaps someday that will change, and I’m sure some people would insist that all it would take is a career change to make me blissfully happy. The thing is, I am content in my job right now – going to work to do my job and spending my free time focusing on other things - and am quite happy overall. If I was any happier the world might explode, and we don’t want that now, do we?

Last night I was standing outside of a bar with some friends when a guy came out and started chatting with one of them. He introduced himself and she told him her name, and then he asked her, “What’s your passion in life?” Thinking that he was hitting on her she immediately said “My fiancée!” The question resonated with me, though. Why do people always use “What do you do?” as a conversation starter? I’m going to adopt “What’s your passion in life?” as my new icebreaker, and as a reminder to focus more on mine – Music. Writing. Art. Jonathan Larson said “The opposite of war isn’t peace, it’s creation.” Being creative is my passion.

Today I stumbled across the Tiny Sparrow Foundation, and I’ve been reading the blog and looking through the amazing photographs. This is powerful stuff that really helps put things in perspective for me. These kids are so courageous and what this photographer is doing is really inspiring. And then I read this.

While I may not always be proficient in articulating my feelings, I am still an emotional creature. I have been known to cry at 30-second television advertisements. A well-written Hallmark card will get me. To read this just broke my heart. I checked out the Sullivans’ blog and was overwhelmed by what these people have gone through in the course of a year. The fact that this man is still standing is a true testament to the human spirit.
Inspirational. So’s this.

Stay tuned – next time we will return to our previously scheduled non-schmoopy programming, where I’ll talk about excessive alcohol intake, my love for the Iowa Hawkeyes and the little golf cart that could.

Luck o' the Irish.

2010-03-18T14:56:00.005-05:00

I have come to the conclusion that Saint Patrick’s Day, like most things, is best experienced, shall we say, heavily under the influence. Unfortunately, thanks to a variety of reasons like “work” and “not wanting to go to jail” I spent my Saint Patty’s Day stone cold sober. It’s just not the same. But it means that I actually remember shit from last night without having to decipher semi-legible notes in my non-taco notebook.

I went to Super America, and there was some dude who was reading the newspaper and sort of looked like he was in line, but I couldn’t tell so I said, “Are you in line?” He said, “Go ahead, Mrs. Beautiful Lady.” Thank you! I resented the “Mrs.” part, though.

When I got to St. Paul, it was insanity. Drunk people everywhere, cars everywhere, tons of cabs, rickshaws. Yes, rickshaws.

While I was waiting for my people outside McGovern’s, two guys approached me and said, “Excuse me. You look bored.” I was intrigued to see where this was going to go. When two strange drunk dudes approach you on the street (especially when you’re looking like a “hot Tinkerbell”) there is a high potential for hilarity...or rape, but I wasn't worried about that with eight million people around. Turns out they just wanted to know where Alary’s was. “It’s that way,” I said, doing the wavy hand thing that I do. “How far?” “A bunch of blocks.” They seemed satisfied enough with that. For the record, I do know where Alary’s is, although I did not know the precise number of blocks, and I did wave them in the right direction.

Also while I was waiting for my people outside McGovern’s, an extremely drunk girl fell on me, sobbing hysterically and said, “I don’t know how I’m going to get hooooooome.” I pushed her into the street. Okay, maybe not.

The number of people in McGovern’s was insane. We had a table, but eventually wandered outside to this little tent, only to find that the little tent led to a bigger tent, which led to another big tent, which led to a completely different building, which led to an even bigger tent. The ground was a land mine of cigarette butts, spilled liquids, beer cans and cups. I do not envy the people who spent today cleaning that shit up.

Promenade.

2010-03-12T10:21:00.004-06:00

I moved! I won’t say that it was painless but I will say it was relatively pain-free. Except for all those bruises I got on my legs, but hey, battle wounds! They say, “Look how hard H worked!” even though the actual amount of energy exerted into my move was 85% my friend Matt, 12% me and 3% my cousin who showed up an hour and a half late and only helped for an hour and a half. If it hadn’t been for Matt I would be sitting in front of my old house right now with broken furniture, several broken limbs and an empty U‑Haul truck, crying into my bottle of Jameson. Matt also almost singlehandedly reassembled my entertainment center and bed frame and fixed my bookshelf while I lay on the couch and ate bon-bons. I live quite the life.

Now that I’ve moved I’ve been spending a lot of time exploring my new neighborhood, which is everything I thought it would be and more. For as much time as I spent crying when I left the old house, I haven’t missed it at all since I left, except that day I had to scrape my windshield for the first time in three and a half years. I know, spoiled. And speaking of spoiled, look what I ate last night:

This is pork belly breaded and deep fat fried and made delicious served with a delicious sauce of tomatoes and lemons, or something like that; the person who brought it to me used all sorts of big fancy food words, and then I had to have Matt the Waiter explain it to me in terms I could understand. All I really needed to know: Pork belly. Fried. Done and done. It was so amazing that I dreamed about it last night. I will probably continue to dream about it every night until I have it again. Is it bad that the only dream I can remember from last night is about deep fried pork? I'm going to go with no. No, that is awesome.

You may be wondering what fabulous shenanigans this gal-about-town is going to get herself into this weekend. Drumroll, please…PROM DRESS SHOPPING! It doesn’t get much more exciting than that. My aunt and cousin are coming to visit and we will spend Saturday and Sunday at the Mall of America, which will take a certain level of patience that I probably don’t possess. But I am excited for H/Cousin snuggle time and to have my first overnight guests at the new Casa de H.

One final note: If I could make out with a day, it would be pay day. Just saying. Bless you, direct deposit.

Ikea: A Story in Photos.

2010-03-05T22:57:00.026-06:00

My BFF, Stacey, came to visit last week to help me pack and destress, so I took her to Ikea since she'd never been there before. Yes, I popped her Ikea cherry. Without further ado:

Arriving at Ikea. Yay escalator!

Finally at the top. We're here!

Holding a picture of her parents, "Martin" and "Sandy"

Talking to Matt the Phone Sex Operator

Pondering

Time for breakfast in our sunny kitchen

On hold with Matt the Velociraptor Trainer

Easy, creeper.

Practicing for when we are married and she is legally

bound to be my personal chef

This door was not closed

Shopping at Ikea is hard work! We had to lay down

Testing mattresses

Stacey in Tiny Chair

Tea time

More practice. She needs to be able to work in kitchens

of all sizes

Joy to the fishes in the deep blue sea

Time to check out

And we wait.

Self-checkout

Oh, Steve.

2010-02-20T08:15:00.001-06:00

The Captain already posted this, but I can't resist.

I don't even know where to begin, so - wow. Just wow.

Exhibit A.

2010-02-19T10:26:00.003-06:00

I was digging through some files on my computer earlier and found this little gem of a diagram that I drew up awhile back to describe what it is like to sleep in a bed with my best friend. See exhibit A:

Now, bear in mind that I am (obviously) not any good with Paint, and also dispel any notions you may have had about me being a contortionist; despite what this graphic would suggest, I am no such thing. The placement of my limbs in this illustration is what it is because I couldn’t figure out how to draw myself, using lines, laying in the fetal position.

It is also worth noting that this is definitely a depiction of what it is like at the beginning of the night. A picture of the end of the night would show me on the floor, where I should have slept in the first place. I predict that when Stacey gets married, she and her husband will have separate beds, a la Ricky and Lucy.

It's the great moving fairy, Charlie Brown.

2010-02-18T12:56:00.003-06:00

Oh, hai, it’s me. I'm still alive, I've just been busy! Lately my life is not all Jameson drinking and kicking ass at rock, paper, scissors, although there’s been a lot of that, and that’s great. I’ve also been doing other super exciting things like looking at shitty apartments and pretending to pack up all my belongings. That’s right, I am “moving house” as they say in ye olde Britain and I am none too excited about it. It seems that in the three and a half years that I’ve lived in my house I have accumulated quite a lot of crap, all of which needs to be sorted and packed carefully into boxes and labeled and prepared for transit. This seemed like fun at first but got old really quickly, and the truth is it’s a lot easier to just look at my stuff and wish for it to pack itself, so I think I’ll just do that. There’s a moving fairy that comes to do all the work, right? RIGHT?

In addition to procrastinating while at home, I spent the greater part of the last week avoiding my household duties by going out and throwing myself Birthdaystravaganza 2010. It started last Wednesday and lasted through Sunday, and I’m a little sad that it’s over. I am really, truly, ridiculously spoiled. I don’t deserve any of it, but I certainly will not complain. Thank you friends and family for being awesome!

Is anyone actually watching the Olympics? Apparently everyone whose blog I read is. I just don’t care. I did happen to catch a glimpse of the Gayest Hockey Coach ever the other night, but by the time I went, “Holy shit, what was that?” he was gone and they never showed him again. Why don’t they have DVR at the bar and let me have the remote so I can rewind?

ESPN has to stop putting Rick Reilly on my TV in the morning. I do not give one shit that Rick Reilly thinks Tiger Woods needs to apologize to all of America for the anguish he’s put us through. Bitch, please. What does Tiger Woods need to apologize to me for? I’m not married to the guy. (If I was, he would be SO DEAD.) He needs to apologize to his wife and his kids, and that is none of my business. The only thing Tiger Woods owes me is more majors.

That's shocking.

2010-02-03T21:23:00.005-06:00

Earlier this evening I was having cocktails at W.A. Frost, an establishment at which I have been spending a lot of time lately, with my good friend Hulles, a person with whom I have been spending a lot of time lately, even though -- no matter how much he might try to dispute this fact -- I am not his girlfriend. We were having a lovely enough time, talking about neurosurgery and oatmeal raisin cookies and what have you, when Hulles suddenly screamed out, "WAITER, where's my WAITER?"

This may come as a surprise, but Matt the Waiter did not come running; I wouldn't have either. I would have run the other way. But there it was again: "Where's my WAITER?" That's when inspiration struck me. What better way to summon your waiter than...

A shock collar.

It's perfect. You need a drink? ZAP! Dropped your fork on the floor? ZAP! Want more ranch dressing? ZAP!

I ran this by Matt the Waiter, who did not seem at all horrified by the idea, even though it is one of the most horrifying and possibly degrading things I have proposed in awhile. He was, in fact, rather receptive to the idea, and really when it comes down to it, I think he would rather be zapped around the neck by an electrical current than having some asshole yell "Where's my WAITER?"

Or maybe we just need a shock collar for Hulles. I haven't decided.

Whitetrashtastic.

2010-01-28T09:19:00.001-06:00

There’s been a lot going on over here at Give me the Franzia. The most fitting thing, given the title of this blog, is that last weekend I attended the second annual White Trash Wine party. We all got drunk on cheap wine, smoked Swisher Sweets and played white trash trivia. That’s right, white trash trivia. I came in second and won myself a sweet Dale Earnhardt, Jr. poster that I conveniently “forgot” when I left the next morning. My friend Brad won and got a sweet dollar store pregnancy test. (It was negative.)

One of the white trash trivia questions was to name the four Connor children on Roseanne. I wrote down Becky, Darlene, D.J. and Buck. Because we were all helping each other with our answers, everyone at the party wrote down Buck as the fourth Connor child. The fourth Connor child, of course, was named Jerry Garcia Connor. So where did I come up with the name Buck? I Googled Roseanne on Monday and learned that her real-life child is named Buck. Why did I know that?

Another one of the white trash trivia questions was “Which couple had a child out of wedlock?” It listed two celebrity couples and then the host and hostess. The correct answer was the host and hostess. That’s right, my friends were the answer to a white trash trivia question. I love them.

I was recently forced to join Twitter after losing a stupid bet I made with Flenker. This is a post in and of itself, but suffice it to say I hate stupid Twitter, and even more than that I hate how much time I spend Twatting. I forgot my phone at home today, and all I can think about is checking my Twitter. Damn you, social media.

I tried to watch the State of the Union address last night, but I was quickly annoyed by all the standing ovations. I guess I probably haven’t watched one of these things since Clinton was in office, and W never said anything that was worth applauding, but have there always been that many standing ovations during the State of the Union? It was really slowing down the show. I finally muted it so I could concentrate on more important things – mix CDs! Don’t worry, I’ve decided to name my mix “State of the Union.” You’re welcome, Mr. President.

I’ve also been doing a lot of writing lately. Okay, that is not true. I’ve been thinking about doing a lot of writing lately, and that is the most important thing, because it’s the thought that counts. I’ve also been talking about writing a lot, especially with this dude, and drinking a lot of Jameson Irish Whiskey here. All this thinking, talking and drinking will eventually lead me to write something brilliant. I’m sure of it.

Orange Bowl.

2010-01-05T10:47:00.004-06:00

HOW AM I SUPPOSED TO CONCENTRATE ON ANYTHING TODAY?

First, let's watch this.

Then, let's look at this.

And then this, the cover page at hawkeyesports.com today.

GO HAWKEYES!!!

Happy old year.

2009-12-31T11:24:00.003-06:00

Random thoughts for this, the final day of 2009:

I think it’s weird that people say “Happy new year!” today when it is, in fact, not yet the new year. “Happy new year!” should be reserved for 12:01 a.m. January 1st and on. So today I will say “Happy old year!” I don’t want 2009 to feel left out.

Already this morning I have seen two poor uncomfortably pregnant women who appeared to be, as Michael Scott would say, in the “terminal stages” of their pregnancy. I just felt so horrible for them. And of course this will be the New Year’s they’ll always remember – as in, “Remember that New Year’s when I was so pregnant I couldn’t move?” Of course, if it wasn’t New Year’s it would be Halloween, or their birthday, or an entire summer. I hope for the sake of both of those women that those babies come out soon.

Can anyone imagine a worse bowl matchup than Iowa State versus Minnesota? How either of these teams became bowl eligible is beyond my comprehension, and I cannot imagine a more boring football game to watch. Needless to say, I won’t be watching. But, as the boys at Black Heart Gold Pants so eloquently put it, “It’s HATE BOWL, motherfucker. No matter who loses, we win.” Unfortunately someone has to win (my prediction: 3-0 ISU). Remember when we beat these two teams by a combined score of 47-3 this year? God I love you, Iowa football. You gave me so much this year. 2009 will be memorable for me because of you.

Lucy is marching in the Rose Parade tomorrow! I can’t think of a better way to spend my hangover than to watch for her. I love the Rose Parade.

Did I mention that my bestie is coming today??? I have been so excited since she decided she was coming, but I have been wired since I woke up this morning. For every special occasion we are together I make a mix CD, and I had put a mix all together but I wasn’t loving it, and then two days ago I had a stroke of brilliance and I put together something so totally ridiculous that she is going to shit her pants over. Party/dance/”hip-hop” tunes from this decade in chronological order of release. I’ve listened to it three times already and every time a new song starts, I giggle. You can’t go wrong with “The Thong Song.”

I am in second place in my NFL picks pool, and I really, really, REALLY want to win. Because it would mean that I am awesome, and it would also mean some moolah for me. I would also have bragging rights over AG for the next year which would be pretty sweet. I fretted a bit over the lines, but my picks are made and I am not going to second guess myself and drive myself crazy until Sunday night. What happens, happens. In 2010, the Year of H, I will be more go-with-the-flow.

Stacey’s New Year’s resolution is to learn to write with her left hand. I thought that was a good one. Being ambidextrous, I can already do that, although I don’t do it often enough that my left handed handwriting doesn’t look like that of a cracked out third grader. Besides my big resolution – make 2010 the Year of H – I will also be taking guitar lessons (I’ve always wanted to learn, and I have an amazing Fender Strat that’s begging to be played. More than just “Smoke on the Water” and the beginning to “Come as You Are”). I’m also going to learn to play the mandolin, and I will play the piano and flute more. Basically, in 2010 I will become more musical. This excites me greatly. I also plan to write and paint more. These are the kind of resolutions I can stick to. None of this “lose ten pounds” or “eat healthier” crap – that’s not for me. Nope, I’m gonna make music and party hard in 2010.

Happy old year bitches! Watch out for all the crazies out there – it’s a full moon.

2009 Besties

2009-12-27T16:14:00.006-06:00

It's that time of year again - time for my absolutely pointless year-end awards.

Best Movie:
This is a tie between Away We Go and (500) Days of Summer. Both movies really resonated with me in different ways. I want to watch them both all the time. Watch them! Watch them now!

Best New Band:
This was a HARD one for me to choose. It came down to four finalists: Rural Alberta Advantage, Discovery, Edward Sharpe and the Magnetic Zeros and Street Sweeper Social Club. I'm giving the Bestie to Edward Sharpe and the Magnetic Zeros, but rest assured that they were all very deserving. P.S. Call me, Tom Morello.

Best Guilty Pleasure Song:
"Party in the USA" by Miley Cyrus. I hate myself for loving this song as much as I do. I even do hand motions and dance to it every time I heard it. All attempts to listen to it so much that I get sick of it and never want to hear it again have failed. So I put my hands up, they're playing my song, the butterflies fly away...

Best Song:
Another tough one to choose, but I'm going with "Home" by Edward Sharpe and the Magnetic Zeros.

Best Album:
2009 was a freaking great year in music, was it not? I came up with nine contenders in this category and could easily have come up with more. The Bestie is going to the Dirty Projector's Bitte Orca. Terrific album from a terrific group. I also may have a developing girl crush on Angel Deradoorian - she also contributed to the fantastic Discovery album this year.

Best Drunken Night:
This goes to my 25th birthday party in February, which started with delicious dinner and wine at Buca di Beppo with some of my most favorite people, then continued (after a very chilly walk) with too many margaritas and shots of tequila at Barrio, then ended with me puking out of a cab. Classic. Honorable mentions: the afternoon of the Saturday of Thanksgiving weekend when I got accidentally drunk and passed out at 6:30; the night when I got drunk in the Dirty Dodge and had my picture taken with a man who had peed himself.

Best Concert:
I saw a lot of shows this year, but nothing topped Eric Clapton and Steve Winwood. Had they not done an acoustic version of "Layla" the show might have topped Rage Against the Machine as my best concert ever.

Best Run-in With a Celebrity:
I had my picture taken with Emil Svanängen after the Loney, Dear show at the Cedar. There might not be a nicer man in all of music. I also met Perez Hilton at his book signing at the Mall of America. Maybe that's not so much a run-in since I totally planned it, but these are my blog awards, aren't they?

Best New TV Show
Community. Gosh I love Joel McHale, and Abed rules.

Best Outfit:
Even though it did not keep me very warm in the February cold, my birthday party outfit was HAWT.

Best Sports Moment
A tie between the Twins’ epic postseason play-in game and the Iowa/Michigan State game. I was fortunate enough to be able to watch that game with Flenker, which added so much to the experience. We were going nuts, and then we got drunk. It was a Good Night. After we got home from Buffalo Wild Wings, we watched every highlight of the game on TV, watched every highlight of the game on espn.com and then reenacted the winning moment approximately 18,000 times. Even now, we'll randomly say to each other, "REMEMBER THE MSU GAME?" Gives me chills.

Best Road Trip:
Kansas City, baby! My friends got married there in June, so I took a long weekend. Flenker gave me a great tour of his city, I had a delicious meal at Blanc Burger, it was HOT, we spent a night in the Power and Light District which was so much fun, I ate a ton of delicious KC barbecue, the wedding was awesome, and I witnessed KY Jelly wrestling. I am very much looking forward to visiting Kansas City again sometime in the (hopefully not so distant) future!

Best Sense of Accomplishment:
Completing the 5K! I don’t think I have ever been more proud of myself. Thanks Matt for suggesting it, for pushing me to do my best and for being an awesome motivator. I couldn’t have done it without you. Really.

Best Almost Live Comedy Special Starring a Creator of Family Guy:
Alex and Seth's Almost Live Comedy Show. P.S. I love you Seth McFarlane. P.P.S. After much debate with AG (yes, I know I am an "amazon"; no I do not think I have "ridiculous standards" to prefer taller men) I have decided you are not too short for me. P.P.S. Call me.

Overall, I'm pretty happy with how 2009 turned out. I guess there are two days left, but I feel comfortable making that statement. I'm looking forward to New Year's Eve (bestie from Iowa coming to visit!) and I'm looking forward to seeing what 2010 has to offer (working title: The Year of Me). Hope everyone had a happy Hanukkah, a merry Christmas, a delightful Kwanzaa, all that. Happy New Year!

Festivus for the rest of us.

2009-12-24T12:26:00.003-06:00

I bet you all were worried about me since I didn't get to go to Iowa for Christmas. You probably thought I would go hungry without my mom and grandmas to cook for me. Have no fear. I have already managed to consume approximately 5,000 calories today and I haven't even had lunch yet. (Hint: it's in the oven. Hint: it's frozen pizza. Hint: I had frozen pizza for dinner last night too.)

Yesterday I went to Target after work to buy (500) Days of Summer on DVD. I accomplished that mission, and came home with $55 worth of other stuff. Merry Christmas. Then I came home and got drunk by myself. What, it's Christmas? If I have your phone number, I apologize because I probably texted you. Except Flenker*- I'm not apologizing to him. To everyone else, I'm sorry. Appropriate measures will be taken tonight to ensure that my text happiness is kept under control.

Last night while I hung out with my good friend John Jameson, I watched the Pee Wee's Playhouse Christmas special. It is awesome, and I love it so much, especially when Magic Johnson was on it because he is the Magic Screen's cousin. I love Pee Wee's Playhouse. THEN when I went to bed, I was channel surfing and Pee Wee Herman was on Jimmy Kimmel! I have no idea what happened because I fell asleep right away, but I'm pretty sure it was a Festivus miracle.

*I don't know why I bother linking to someone who doesn't post - subliminal messages, perhaps? "You're getting very, very sleepy. Blog again. Blog. Blog..."

Bah humbug.

2009-12-23T15:35:00.003-06:00

This has been the single most depressing week of my life, and here’s a little hint as to why: The Snowpocalypse is coming. Are you ready?

Due to the weather and the fact that I had to be chained to my desk until 4 p.m. CST today, I will not be making the trip to Iowa for Christmas, something that has made me sad all week every time I thought about it. This will not be my first Christmas away from home; two years ago I spent Christmas in L.A. with my then-boyfriend, but that was different – it was a choice I made, and we were with his family, and did I mention we were in southern California and it kind of rocked to spend Christmas in shorts?

So yeah, what really pisses me off is when Mother Nature ruins my plans.

I have alternated this week between being a super sad panda and being okay with being stranded here. On the one hand, I was just saying last week how I wished I could have a few days off to spend here, doing my own thing and not going anywhere. Be careful what you wish for. I have 18 hours of WWII in HD episodes to clear off my DVR, a stack of books and a big bottle of Jameson. Something tells me I’ll be alright if I can’t leave my house for four days. Plus, I have an aunt and uncle here who insist that I spend Christmas Eve with them, and friends to spend Christmas Day with. On the other hand, I’m really attached to my family’s Christmas traditions, and while I know this Christmas won’t be bad, that it might even be good, I also know that it will be different, and I don’t like different. Being a grown up blows.

I am also sad that my BFF Megan is home from Trinidad and I won’t get to see her. It’s her bridal shower which is apparently a big deal (I personally have no interest in such things) and now I won’t get to see her until possibly Easter when she comes home for a dress fitting. But we’ll get to talk on the phone while she’s home (which never happens, and she’s one of the few people I actually like talking to on the phone) and really, Easter isn’t that far away. But still, I’m bummed.

I know I should be grateful for all the things I have, all the ways in which I have been blessed (too many to count) and all the wonderful people in my life, and I truly am, but that still hasn’t stopped me from having a little pity party all week. If you get to spend Christmas with your mommies and daddies and brothers and sisters-in-law and nephews and grandparents and cousins and aunts and uncles, hug them extra tight for me, won’t you?

Christmas time is here.

2009-12-20T15:55:00.002-06:00

I know what you're thinking: "Holy shit, already?" That's what I'm thinking too. The time between Thanksgiving and Christmas always goes by so fast, and this year is no exception. I just finished unpacking from my Thanksgiving trip...today. That's right, I just finished unpacking and doing laundry from a trip I took three and a half weeks ago. It was kind of fun, because while I was cleaning out my suitcase I found all sorts of things. "That's what happened to those underwear!" "That's where those socks are!", that kind of thing. Now all my clothes are clean and dry and ready to be packed again this week, and then they will all be clean and dry and rehung again in mid-January.

While it sounds like I've had a pretty productive Sunday, and I guess in some ways I have, what with the unpacking and the laundry and the re-wrapping the Christmas presents the cats opened, I've mostly had a pretty lazy Sunday, and it has been awesome. I am still wearing my pajamas, which I will wear until I shower tonight and then put them back on. I watched some football and am now playing Tiger Woods 09. I am absolutely terrible at this game; I don't know what the deal is, since I was unbeatable on every previous version. Part of the problem may be that I spend less time practicing than I did five years ago. At any rate, my short game - much like my short game in real life - could really use some improvement. I would like to spend all week doing this, but unlike some of you assholes out there, I have to work through Wednesday. If you have the week off, I pretty much hate you.

The Christmas spirit.

2009-12-12T08:36:00.003-06:00

As you all know already, I freaking love Christmas. I love Christmas trees, I love Santas, I love Elf, I love poinsettias, I love Christmas lights, I love Christmas carols, I love Christmas shopping, I love wrapping Christmas presents, etc. I could go on all day.

As a result of my obsession with this holiday, I have an ever-growing collection of Christmas songs. Amazon is giving away 25 free Christmas mp3s this month, so yesterday I downloaded a track by Lady Gaga called "Christmas Tree." I am not exactly a fan of Lady Gaga, but I thought, This could be fun! This could spice up my Christmas playlist! I downloaded the track and gave it a listen. I think "Christmas tree" in this case is a metaphor...for Lady Gaga's vajayjay. The song even made me feel dirty. I'm pretty sure Christmas songs are not supposed to end in the words "cherry cherry boom boom."

Am I overreacting? You be the judge.

Intervention.

2009-12-09T22:18:00.004-06:00

Winter has arrived in Minnesota. Normally I hate the snow but so far it hasn’t bothered me. The snow we’ve gotten is really light and fluffy and glittery, and it makes it feel more like Christmas, and I like Christmas. Sure there is a shit ton of it, and it is blowing all over the place and it makes people lose their shit and forget how to drive, but…Christmas! Next month when Christmas is over and people still don’t know how to drive in the snow and I haven’t seen the sun in 47 days and the temperature hasn’t gotten above zero, then I will start to lose my mind. But for now we’re good.

Besides, when the weather is bad, it is the perfect excuse to stay inside cuddled up in a blanket staring at my Christmas tree. I mean, of course I don’t do that. Who sits around staring at their Christmas tree? It has also given me good opportunity to catch up on watching movies that I have seen eight million times, and to watch new (to me) episodes of The Wire. Seriously, the show is so fucking good, and everyone should watch it. I also suspect that I might have a crush on Detective McNulty. Just a little one, though. Nothing serious. So what if I just spent twenty minutes looking up pictures of him on Google Images. That doesn’t mean anything. I was surprised to learn, while Wikipedia stalking him, that he is originally from England; I never would have guessed it, but now I want to hear his for real accent, so I can decide whether I like him better British or Baltimorian.

Perhaps I have a problem. Maybe I need an intervention.

Speaking of interventions, I think my mom may need a Facebook intervention. Tonight I went over to M and C's to sit in the hot tub, and when we got inside I had all sorts of text messages on my phone. Some from my mom asking where I was, saying how worried she was, some from Flenker (completely unrelated) and one from my BFF Stacey saying that my mother had a Facebook worry out for me. "WHERE IS MY DAUGHTER? Did she make it home from work??" it said. Stacey also said I should call my mother, then text her back so she wouldn't worry, either. Calm down, people. I don't spend every night staring at my Christmas tree.

What's next.

2009-12-06T20:11:00.007-06:00

I just finished Bill Simmons' 700+ page The Book of Basketball and my very good friend Flenker asked, "What's next?"

Something tells me I'm not going to run out of things to read anytime soon.

Booyah.

2009-11-30T16:41:00.001-06:00

30 days and 50,166 words later:

A brilliant Thanksgiving idea.

2009-11-26T09:26:00.002-06:00

Triumph the Insult Comic Dog should commentate on the Macy's Thanksgiving Day Parade. Meredith Viera SUCKS. Triumph all the way!

Giving thanks.

2009-11-25T23:20:00.006-06:00

‘Tis the season of giving thanks, and tomorrow we will give thanks by eating until we cannot possibly eat anymore, then eating some more, then falling asleep in front of the television watching football, then waking up and getting drunk. Holla! But I thought since it is that thankful time of year, maybe I could take a break from being selfish for three seconds and jot down some things I am thankful for.

- My friends
- My family
- The fact that my grandma is a wicked good cook and will be preparing my Thanksgiving dinner
- My Camelbak water bottles. You guys get me through every day. Thank you
- That I didn’t go anywhere near a movie theatre the day New Moon opened. My 16-year-old cousin went to the midnight opening on Friday, then went again Friday night, then texted me a million times to tell me how awesome the movie is and how hot Jacob is. Can I just say I appreciate the abs, but his face is weird. TEAM EDWARD
- Iowa Hawkeye football
- Brett Favre
- Margaritas
- The roof over my head. It's a pretty sweet roof. I'm happy to live where I live.
- My cats
- The beautiful wonderful inventions that are the DVR, the high-definition - television, and the Playstation 3
- Spicy garlic sauce at Buffalo Wild Wings
- Ernie iPod
- Music
- Target
- The Book of Basketball. So far my favorite parts were when Simmons called coke “booger sugar” and on page 340 when he misspelled Sczcerbiak. You have 800 people reading your book before it goes to press, but you can’t get someone to double check the spelling of weird names?
- Sephora-exclusive OPI nail polishes. I have purchased many flavors
- Scrabble on iGoogle – I was thisclose to reactivating my Facebook account when I stumbled across this gem. My mom and I have three or four games going at any given time
- Tickets to see Edward Sharp and the Magnetic Zeros on Sunday
- Miller Genuine Draft
- The Big Lebowski. Even if it drives my mom crazy when I talk along with the movie. Sorry, Mom. The Dude and Walter are the Cher Horowitz of my 20s. P.S. I still talk along with Clueless (and about eighty other movies). P.P.S. Isn't it better than when Dad repeats funny lines immediately after they happen?

I had a whole big rant going about the legalization of gay marriage/Adam Lambert but I will save it for another day. For today, let's just be thankful for what we do have, shall we?

Parenting 101.

2009-11-21T22:21:00.006-06:00

You all know that I love Christmas, and I love Christmas movies. One of my favorites is Home Alone, a cute movie about (SPOILER ALERT!) a kid who is accidentally left home alone while the rest of his family jets off to France for the Christmas holiday. It's funny and sweet and touching, and of course there is a happy resolution. But what the movie is REALLY about, which everyone chooses to ignore, is that this kid's parents (the guy from Beaches and Catherine O'Hara) are shitty parents. Just because they live in a beautiful gigantic house in Chicago and can afford to take their ridiculous number of children to France doesn't make them any less shitty parents, because they FORGOT THEIR CHILD AND WENT ON VACATION.*

I realize certain things have to happen to move a storyline along, and really this premise wouldn't work if these people weren't shitty parents, but all the nicey nice, happy reunion crap at the end is just absurd, since in real life this kid would have spent the rest of his life in therapy. And even though the parents learn their lesson in the end and everyone is happy and hearts are warmed, they apparently didn't learn their lesson at all, because their shitty parenting practices warranted a sequel - Home Alone 2: Lost in New York, where this same kid gets left behind AGAIN - and then, according to Wikipedia, TWO MORE sequels about different shitty parents.

This whole post was pretty pointless, since I truly enjoy this movie, own it on DVD and will probably watch it five more times between now and Christmas. It was just an observation I made, and for those of you out there with kids, maybe you can learn something from this. I don't think it's right for people who don't have kids to give people with kids parenting advice, but I think this is pretty obvious: DON'T LEAVE YOUR YOUNG KIDS AT HOME ALONE WHILE YOU GO ON VACATION. Just a public service announcement brought to you by Give me the Franzia.

*One time some family friends forgot their granddaughter at church, where she was playing with toys in the back room. They drove the mile home, realized their mistake and went back for her. She was none the wiser. This is not shitty grandparenting, it's just funny.

What I'm missing.

2009-11-21T17:33:00.005-06:00

Flenker is in Iowa City this weekend, and really wanted me to come, and I really wanted to go. Why would I want to go to Iowa City, you ask?

1.) Iowa vs. Minnesota. Floyd of Rosedale. The last Iowa game I went to was last year's Minnesota blowout at the Dome, and the last game I went to at Kinnick Stadium was in September of 2007. That's a long time to be away from Kinnick.
2.) I like to get drunk.

Flenker made me a lot of offers I was almost unable to refuse. He tried to bribe me with food (delicious falafel at Oasis, probably my most favorite ice cream in the world at Whitey's, Hamburg Inn), with alcohol and even said that we could meet in Des Moines and he would drive the rest of the way. I almost went for it, I really did. It was a very tough decision to stay behind, but in the end, I knew it was for the best, and that my liver would thank me. You're welcome, liver.

Then last night I got this text message:
Just saw a little person puke. I love Iowa City

and then a few minutes later:
Shit, that wass just topped by the little person doing the ymca

Sigh. Keep on being awesome, Iowa City.

Rub-a-dub dub.

2009-11-21T08:16:00.003-06:00

I have been just exhausted all week ever since my drunkfest in Iowa last weekend, and all week all I've wanted to do was sleep. I haven't done anything productive (I'm still working on the slideshow for my grandparents' anniversary party which is now SIX DAYS away and why doesn't PhotoStory 3 just automatically set the length of time to display each photo to match the music? Argh)and I was so looking forward to sleeping in this morning, and I was doing a really good job of it until I woke up at 8 a.m. and couldn't get back to sleep. It's too cold to run, so I thought well, I'll catch up on some stuff on the internets until I am awake enough to go to Target. And while I catch up on stuff on the internets, I thought, I'll turn on the TV. So I went to turn on Gameday, but Gameday doesn't start until nine. So then I thought, I'll watch The Soup. It doesn't start until nine either. I have settled for Meatballs on Comedy Central, a movie I've never seen with Bill Murray that so far appears to be profoundly stupid.

BUT, my friends M and C recently acquired a hot tub, and last night M and I sat in it for almost two hours, and it was the most glorious two hours I can remember recently. I have not been that relaxed in months. Sometimes in hot tubs I feel too hot or like it's too bubbly, but this hot tub is perfect. I am going to move into the hot tub; that is where I will live. My new address will be c/o M and C's hot tub, Bloomington, MN. I really did not want to get out, ever.

It is time, I suppose, for me to go and do something of a productive nature. This does not make me happy, but I suppose it is necessary.

Hollywood: Making America stupider.

2009-11-10T14:01:00.007-06:00

Take a look at this man. Who does he look like?

If you said Omar Epps, you are correct. This man is a dead ringer for Omar Epps, but he is not Omar Epps. He is Mike Tomlin, coach of the Pittsburgh Steelers. Even though he looks like an actor playing a football coach, he actually is a football coach, not (to my knowledge) an actor. When he gets fired (because at some point, he inevitably will; all football coaches do) he will become a movie star. He will have no choice. It is his destiny.

And hopefully, when he becomes a movie star, he will be a better actor than the following three people people. These are my top choices for People Whose Movie-Making Licenses Should Be Revoked.

Offender: Sandra Bullock
I liked her in: Speed, While You Were Sleeping, Two Weeks Notice. (Shut up.)
What happened: There has always been an annoying factor with Sandra that I was either able to ignore or was charming during these three movies. Otherwise? Not so much.
And now: First there was this All About Steve movie. I am not even going to post the trailer here, because it was THAT BAD. The trailer, I mean. No way was I seeing the movie. And then there was this:

Um, yeah. I love a good sports movie. Even a good cheesy, over the top, perhaps a little bit ridiculous sports movie. But this? This looks terrible. Sandra Bullock is a terrible actress. Take her license away.

Offender: Robin Williams
I liked him in: Dead Poets Society, Aladdin, Mrs. Doubtfire, Death to Smoochy
What happened: At some point this decade, Robin Williams decided he was only going to make movies that were absolute crap. He’s starting to realize that he is no longer relevant as a comedian or actor and is now getting desperate. He will make any movie. Any script they throw at him, he just says “I’ll make this!” License. Away.

Offender: John Travolta
I liked him in: Pulp Fiction. That’s it. I do not like John Travolta. I heard he is so far up in Scientology that he can kill a man with his mind. That’s not why I don’t like him, but it does make me a little afraid.
What happened: John Travolta suffers from the same affliction as Robin Williams. He is Getting Older and has decided that instead of making things that are relevant or meaningful, he will just make whatever because of course middle aged women will flock to the theatre to see him and Robin Williams in this piece of crap

because ZOMG MIDDLE AGED WOMEN LOVE JOHN TRAVOLTA AND ROBIN WILLIAMS IS FUNNY! It’s the same reason Wild Hogs made any money and prompted a discussion about it during a break at a meeting I was in one day. Yes, that really happened. In fact, it morphed into a discussion about Paul Blart: Mall Cop. I did not participate, just sat on the sidelines with my head in my hands. This is what Hollywood has come to. Hollywood's new slogan should be "Hollywood: Making America Stupider." At least until Mike Tomlin comes to town.

Hair today, gone tomorrow.

2009-11-09T19:44:00.008-06:00

In 2003 Jon Gruden won a Super Bowl as the coach of the Tampa Bay Buccaneers. His hair at the time looked something like this.

That's not the best picture to show that he had a normal-looking head of hair, but it's the best I could find. Suffice it to say, at one point Jon Gruden's hair looked normal, okay?

In 2009 Jon Gruden is one of the color commentators on Monday Night Football, along with Mike Tirico and Ron Jaworski. Something has happened to Jon Gruden's head.

Again, not the best picture, especially since he's making a face that looks like a chipmunk. Trust me, though, the hair. It's ridiculous. What has happened to your hair, Jon?

Jon Gruden's hair aside, I really like the MNF crew.

Something I really like: Watching Ben Roethlisberger get sacked.

Something I really really like: Watching Eli Manning get sacked.

Something I really really really like: Watching Aaron Rodgers get sacked. It is my favorite thing about this season.

Tomorrow we will discuss NFL head coaches who should be movie stars and movie stars who should have their movie-making licenses revoked. You'll be riveted, I promise.*

*I can make no such promise.

A thought. And then some other thoughts.

2009-11-06T19:43:00.004-06:00

I like how, on previews for the news, the weather guy comes on and says "Looks like a nice weekend ahead, but there may be a few showers on the way...tune in at ten to find out!" Do these cliffhanger previews really up the ratings for the news? Don't these people know that anyone can go on the internet at any time to read the forecast? As soon as I heard that, the first thing I did was go to the rival network's Web site to find out when it is going to rain (Sunday). Boom, done. I can go on with my night. My grandma will see you at 10 p.m., weatherman.

Now if you'll excuse me, I am going back to my rockin' Friday night of drinking copious amounts of Coca-Cola and catching up on the past three 30 for 30 films on my DVR. The Band That Wouldn't Die is my favorite so far. Apparently after this week's, there isn't one for another month, and then the next one doesn't air until March. What are you trying to do to me, Simmons? P.S. I still love you and you're still a genius. P.P.S. I don't care about your book tour, please get your NFL picks column out by lunchtime on Friday so I have something to do at work in the afternoon.

Things I discovered this morning.

2009-11-01T07:27:00.003-06:00

1. Revlon "Love That Pink" lipstick is extremely long lasting.

2. When you leave your friend's apartment at 7 o'clock on a Sunday morning wearing a zebra print skirt, fuchsia leggings, yellow leg warmers, blue pumps, and a pink off-the-shoulder top with your hair up in a (now messy from five hours of trying to get comfortable on their couch) side ponytail, it looks like a walk (or in my case drive) of shame.

3. A $20 bill in my bra, courtesy of one of my gay friends, who likes to throw money around and also likes to stick things in his girlfriends' bras. This means that I came home with $20 more than I left with last night. This also means that I inexplicably didn't pay for dinner, any of my drinks (and I had enough to necessitate spending the night on someone else's couch) or cover at the bar. I don't know how these things happen, they just do.

4. It's November 1st - NaNoWriMo starts today! Time to get cracking on that novel. After I take a nap.

5. I apparently like to number my posts now. Will the trend continue? Stay tuned...

Five things for Friday.

2009-10-23T12:07:00.002-05:00

1. I am tired of being sick. Two weeks ago I missed almost two full days of work; I thought I had recovered, then sat out in the cold and rain last Friday night and have subsequently had a cough ever since. I am home again today. This shit had better go away.

2. Confession: At the risk of sounding like A Girl* I really like this song. It's hard to admit, because I dislike Taylor Swift and think she looks like an alien. But I do like the song, and I think it's cute that the song is about her best friend and her best friend is in the video, making me wish one of my girlfriends had become famous and put me in their music videos. Maybe there's still time! Also in the girlish vein, I really like this commercial. I am so lame.

3. Chuck Klosterman's new book is out, and at some point this morning when I couldn't get back to sleep, I decided that I MUST HAVE IT RIGHT NOW. So I went to Target, but they didn't have it. Why, Target? Don't worry, though. I'm sure it is totally a good idea for me to be running all about town in the rain and snow trying to get my hands on a book, so I went to Barnes & Noble, and $65 later, I am home. $80 if you count the money I spent at Target. See, Target? See what you have done? Anyway, I know some people think Chuck Klosterman is arrogant, and they may be right. But I think he has the goods to back it up. Read this excerpt!**

4. I am having a hard time coming up with five things.

5. Yeah, I've got nothing.

*Despite the fact that I really love nail polish and fashion, I highly doubt that anyone I know would ever classify me as being "girly."

**Yeah, you might not want to read that unless you really, really love football. But don't let that spoil you on Klosterman!

Up, up and away.

2009-10-16T09:03:00.003-05:00

The balloon boy.

From the time I first heard about this, at roughly 2:30 p.m. yesterday, I felt like the internet was playing a Gigantic Prank on H. Seriously – I was freaked the fuck out. I thought CNN was playing a joke. There was no way this could be real. Boy goes up in 20-foot Mylar balloon tethered to his parents’ house? Boy’s name is Falcon? Boy’s family was on Wife Swap? And then there were the pictures. Oh, God, the pictures. No photographer could have gotten a more realistic looking shot of the balloon? Every one was grainy and looked like it came from a 1960s sci-fi movie. There was no way this could be real. I went to Fox News, not because I find them to be a reliable news source, but just to prove to myself that it wasn’t just CNN doing this to me. But Fox News was in on it too, and the picture on their main page had a caption that said: “BALLOON COMES DOWN. NO BOY” in all white capital letters, and it was totally an LOL cat picture. There was no way this could be real.

Today, the balloon boy barfed on national television. All over Matt Lauer’s shoes. I don’t know if that’s actually true. It would really add to this experience, though.

I can’t believe how much time I have spent in the past several hours thinking about this.

I am still waiting for someone to say “Gotcha, America!” or “Smile, you’re on candid incredibly weird reality TV hoax camera!” I just need someone to admit that they made this all up. They did. They had to.

There is no way this could be real.

A message from the shaman.

2009-10-11T17:45:00.003-05:00

Cuddy would also like you to know that the Twins will go on to force game five and win that one, too. He is also aware that he looks a little bit ridiculous with facial hair, but it's cool because everyone else on the team is doing it too.

Go Twins!

Sorry for the sideways video. I made it this morning for a friend who was too polite to tell me it was not right side up, and had no clue until I uploaded it here that it was not upright since my computer refuses to play the file on its own. Just deal with it, won't you?

Wedding day.

2009-10-08T19:18:00.004-05:00

JIM AND PAM ARE GETTING MARRIED TONIGHT!!! JIM AND PAM ARE GETTING MARRIED TONIGHT!!!

Is it sad that I am more excited about a TV wedding of two fictional people than I have been for the weddings of some of my own friends and relatives? Is it sad that I believe there has never been a better couple than Jim and Pam in the history of ever and they aren't even real? Is it sad that I have been looking forward to this night for months?

If you answered yes to any or all of the above, I don't disagree with you, but please keep it to yourself and only say supportive things in the comments, like how I'm so right and you feel the same way too. Thanks.

My friend Ambo bought a cake that says "Congrats Jim and Pam." This is the best thing I have heard all week.

Get out the Kleenex.

2009-10-04T19:31:00.004-05:00

Not so long ago, the Twins were seven games out of first place in the division and our playoff hopes were looking slim. We started today 1/2 game back, with the chance to clinch the division outright with a win and a Tigers lost. The Tigers won, but so did we, and I have to say the final regular season game in the Metrodome was pretty special. They handed out leftover Homer Hankies at the door, and we had plenty of chances to wave them with Jason Kubel and Delmon Young each hitting two and Michael Cuddyer joining in the homer parade as well. The final score was 13-4 - our boys did the Dome proud.

After the game, they had a special ceremony honoring the Dome, where they rolled out the red carpet to introduce important Twins personnel from over the years and reveal the All-Metrodome team. They also showed the final ten Metrodome Memories (they've been counting down from 100 since the beginning of the season) and paid tribute to one Mr. Kirby Puckett, which made for more than a few teary eyes in the house.

I'll be leaving work early Tuesday to catch the tiebreaker game between the Twins and the Tigers - I bought tickets immediately after the ceremony, 'cause there's no way I'm gonna miss that. There's still some magic left in the Metrodome, I can feel it.

I'll leave you with this; every time I see it, I cry. And I'm not talking my eyes just getting a little damp, I'm talking full-on tears down the cheeks. Not bad for a clip that clocks in at 31 seconds. I'm going to be a wreck during the actual episode.

The Aaron Rodgers Effect.

2009-09-30T12:29:00.005-05:00

Ladies love a man in uniform. There’s something about a uniform that transform that turns an average man into a hunk-o’-burnin’-love. I don’t care if it’s a baseball uniform, those brown shorts the UPS guy wears, whatever. Most women find a man in a uniform at least moderately sexy – I’d say a uniform can up any man’s hotness factor by about 40%.

But, as with any rule, there is an exception. I like to call it the Aaron Rodgers Effect.

In his uniform, Aaron Rodgers looks like a Grade A tool, and I’m not just saying that because he is the quarterback of Satan’s Army (the Green Bay Packers).

The only NFL quarterback who looks weirder in his uniform is Jay Cutler, and that’s only because he looks like Ellen DeGeneres. But get Aaron Rodgers out of the uniform, stick him in some jeans or whatever, and then it’s another story. From some angles, he almost looks like a scruffy Jim Halpert. This does not mean I think he is all that attractive; I really don't. But he is more attractive here, in regular clothes, than in uniform. I don't understsand it.

(not a good picture - turns out there aren't a lot of pictures of Aaron Rodgers not in a uniform. If only the ladies knew about the Aaron Rodgers Effect)

Can someone explain this phenomenon to me - where a man could actually become more attractive by putting on regular clothes? It's mind boggling.

Underdogs.

2009-09-27T10:15:00.008-05:00

Friday night I had dinner at the home of my old roommate, who recently got married and had a child and has been banished into domesticity in Farmtown, USA. Her husband made us tacos, and then took over the childcare duties so we ladies could hit the town. We checked out one of the two bars in their downtown, and we were not disappointed. There was a jukebox (eight songs for a dollar!), the local drunk guys were not too creepy, beers were cheap and they had a big screen TV so I could watch the Twins game. Jody got drunk, we got to use our bar names, and Jody gave me what may be the best compliment I have ever received. She was explaining her theory of how there are three levels of attractiveness in women - ugly, approachably attractive, and unapproachably attractive - and said I am in the upper echelon of unapproachably attractive. My spell checker doesn't think unapproachably is a word, but it can kiss my ass. This is right up there with my previous favorite compliment of "Even though you're from Iowa, you're still hot!" that was shouted to me on my way to the Iowa/Minnesota game last year. Really, I can't choose which one was more flattering. I'll just file them both away as my favorite compliments.

Speaking of Iowa, let's talk about how amazing last night was. First, let's rewind to November 8th, 2008, when the then-undefeated Penn State Nittany Lions came traipsing into Kinnick Stadium only to have all their hopes and dreams kicked away in the final seconds by Daniel Murray. I am not kidding when I say that was my Best Week Ever. Barack Obama had just won the election that Tuesday, and then that happened. I was blown away. I hate talking on the phone, but I think I called every Iowa fan I knew in the minutes after that game and had some of the most meaningful conversations of my life. Best week ever.

Last night, the unranked Hawkeyes went to Happy Valley to face #5 Penn State with everyone's expectation that it would be a massacre. Everyone, that is, except for any Hawkeye fan. I was confident in our team, but still nervous. I never get nervous. But I was still confident. And I'm not superstitious, but I am a little stitious.* I took all the necessary precautions before the game last night to make sure I was doing things the same as I did for the previous three games. I also experienced a couple good omens this week - I ran into an Iowa fan at the grocery store yesterday morning (quite literally - there was a collision of carts after we'd already exchanged "Go Hawks!" a few minutes before) and on Friday morning when I was driving to work I saw a hawk sitting atop a light post along the highway. I don't know that I have ever seen a hawk here. It was a very good omen indeed.

I won't bore you with all the details of the game since I'm sure you're bored enough already, but to sum up, we won 21-10 and dominated the second half. I haven't stopped smiling. The headline to this article is "Hawkeyes Stun No. 5 Penn State" and I think this picture sums that up pretty well.

Today the forecast calls for cloudy with a 100% chance of football. If you need me, I'll be on the couch watching the game - go Vikings!

*Thanks for the line, Michael Scott

On Twitter. And betrayal.

2009-09-23T21:52:00.004-05:00

I hate Twitter. I just don't get the point. When I was on Facebook (I recently deactivated my account) there were status updates, and that was enough. I didn't need a completely separate site to do this one stupid little thing and follow celebrities who were eating baked potatoes or picking their noses in the back of a limo or something.

My friend Chris and I have had many conversations about Twitter, about how stupid it is, and I thought I was safe to assume that he would be my ally in my War on Twitter. As we all know, one should never assume. And that's how this conversation came to take place.

Chris: ok, I have something I have have to tell you
and now is probably the best time
if I don't do it now, I might not ever get the courage to do it
i
I. . .
I have a twitter
I've known for a while that I had to tell you
but couldn't do it

me: i'm...i'm speechless
my mouth literally dropped open a little bit

Chris: don't let this change things
we can still be friends
my heart is pounding
it feels wrong to say it, but I had to

me: . . .
how long has this been going on??

Chris: I'd rather not talk about it

me: HOW LONG?

Chris: it wasn't supposed to last!
it was just a weekend at first
when Bill (simmons) started his
but Blake kept pushing me
and I've all but quit facebook, especially since you left

me: i knew you had a twitter account, to follow people
but you've been TWITTERING?
TWITTING?

Chris: . . .

me: TWATTING? whatever

Chris: I've twatted

me: :o

Chris: don't act surprised! you had to have some idea!

me: i AM surprised!
i really am
i did not see this coming

Chris: it was only a matter of time
I have to do the stupid shit for work, too. so one thing lead to another. . .

me: let me see your twitter

Chris: I. . . I don't know

me: LET ME SEE
YOUR TWITTER

Chris: FINE
this doesn't change anything
I still feel the same
http://twitter.com/iamaneviltraitor (Side note: Not his real Twitter account)

Chris: all of my friends are doing it!

me: i mean, it IS dirty. don't get me wrong. i can't tell you how dirty i feel knowing this.

Chris: but I couldn't carry on with it out there, without you knowing about it. what if you stumbled into it without me telling you first????

me: that could have been bad
it's hard to imagine how it could get any worse

Chris: just don't think about it

me: i can't not think about it. it's all, right here before my eyes
in heaven there is no beer
tell me
did you text me first, or tweet?

Chris: of course I text you first
do you question me?????

me: i just don't know what to think right now

Chris: you're the first person I've told, outside of people here
because THAT'S HOW MUCH YOU MEAN TO ME

me: mmm hmmmm

Chris: what do I have to do to prove it to you
you name it, I'll do it

...and scene.

I don't know what he will have to do to prove it to me yet. The first thing I came up with was a meaningful, heartfelt, sincere tweet apologizing for his wrong doing; soon after came this:

My dearest H, I'm sorry for all of the secrets I've kept from you. a whole secret life

That's nice and all, but I'm afraid it's not going to be enough. Updates to come on the state of a friendship on the rocks.

And the Emmy goes to...

2009-09-20T22:05:00.002-05:00

I just sat through the entire Emmy broadcast, something I don't think I've ever done. I got sucked in by Neil Patrick Harris, who was fantastic, and as far as these awards shows goes, this one was decent. Plus, since I was watching on a significant enough time delay, I was able to fast forward through the crappy parts including most of the reality segment and Glenn Close's acceptance speech.

Anyway, can I just say I am tired of 30 Rock winning all these awards? It just isn't that funny. You know what is funny? The Office (although I was pulling for Family Guy). 30 Rock can suck it. I am tired of hearing about it, and I just don't care. I realize that tomorrow no one will care about these things, but it's irritating to me right now, and it's my blog and I'll cry if I want to.

A little more bad: Kevin Bacon was looking creepier than ever and his plasticized alien wife Kyra Sedgwick's dress was hideous, Cobie Smulders' dress was rather ill-fitting in the midsection (is she pregnant?), Hugh Jackman's opening song from the Oscars won an award, and did you know that Dom DeLuise died? I had totally forgotten, and then I was sad.

But the good: NPH was lookin' fly in the white tux, NPH's opening song was cute, NPH in general was awesome, Julia Louis-Dreyfuss looked amazing, Ricky Gervais is hilarious, and I think that guy from The Mentalist might be kinda hot. Sometimes I think that when I see commercials for the show, and sometimes I think he might be kind of average, but he looked pretty good in a tux so I'll give him the benefit of the doubt.

Update: It turns out Cobie Smulders just had a baby in May, so she was recently pregnant. She should maybe think about getting a new stylist.

I did it!

2009-09-20T16:55:00.003-05:00

I ran the 5K in a personal best time of 38 minutes - not too shabby, if I do say so myself. My aunt and her friend came out to cheer us on, which meant a lot, and I actually really enjoyed myself. I'd do it again, and I have to say the route was absolutely gorgeous. That helped.

I'm going to keep up the running thing, at least until it gets too cold, and I'm looking into joining a gym or the fitness center at my work to get me through the winter. I even got up this morning and went for a little run, so it looks like I'm still motivated even though the race is over.

I have spent the rest of my weekend laying on my couch, napping (once yesterday, twice today) and watching football. Really. Oh, and a little baseball, the final disc of season four of Weeds, and, right now, The Empire Strikes Back. Yeah, I'd say it's been a pretty good weekend.

5K Day

2009-09-18T20:18:00.003-05:00

It has arrived. After five to six weeks (I can't remember - I think all the oxygen I've lost has killed too many brain cells) of diligent training, sore shins, now-chronic ankle pain, gallons of water consumed, even more gallons of perspiration excreted, and approximately 9 billion swear words, I am ready as I'm going to be to hit the trail at Boom Island for the Dave Ryan 5K. I definitely won't finish first and might finish dead last, but I think it's a definite possibility that I won't die. I might even enjoy myself, in between the gasps for breath. Wish me luck!

Watch this. You must watch this.

2009-09-06T21:54:00.002-05:00

I can't say enough wonderful things about Edward Sharpe and the Magnetic Zeros. This is my absolute favorite track from the album, and a terrific performance.

Our state fair is a great state fair

2009-09-06T20:34:00.005-05:00

Let me just say that I love, love, LOVE the Iowa State Fair. My mom started taking me when I was little, and it is absolutely one of my favorite events. But I live in Minnesota now, and I haven't had the opportunity to make it to the Iowa State Fair for a few years.

Minnesota brags its fair up a lot, but I've avoided it because I've been convinced it could never compare to the Iowa State Fair and in some strange way, I felt like it would be like cheating on MY fair. Stupid, right?

But today Bill and I braved the Labor Day weekend crowds and checked out the Great Minnesota Get Together. Here's how it stacked up to my Iowa State Fair.

Name of fairgrounds main street: Iowa's is the Grand Concourse. Minnesota's is Dan Patch Avenue and it is named after a horse. A horse named Dan. Advantage: Iowa.

Midway: Bill and I were surprised at how small the midway was and what a clusterfuck it was to navigate. The rides were small, there were no carnival games and it seemed overridden with children. A quick glance at the map finally revealed that we were in the kidway. Oops. We later found the midway; it was pretty standard. Midways are all the same, although we did witness a stuck rollercoaster car and carnies literally pushing it up the track. Advantage: Tie.

Food: Fried food on a stick is fried food on a stick, but Minnesota, ever weird, calls corn dogs "Pronto Pups" and offers "hot dish on a stick." Few things irritate me more about this state than the phrase "hot dish." Advantage: Iowa.

Animals: The animal barns were nice - we visited the sheep, poultry, cattle and horse barns. We went in the sheep and poultry barn first only to find...no sheep. No sheep. The building was filled wtih goats. Goats are not sheep. Minus one for Minnesota. There is also a Miracle of Birth Center, which I intended to avoid, but I was lured in by baby sheep and baby ducks. However, I was driven away after watching the pre-recorded video of a cow giving birth - it was too much. Too much, Minnesota. Advantage: Iowa, where we have sheep in our sheep barns.

DNR Building: This is one of two areas where Minnesota has a clear advantage. The building is nice, new and the exhibits were great. The setup and content were similar to that of Iowa's, but Minnesota's building is bigger and newer. Advantage: Minnesota.

Agriculture Building: There were some fruits and veggies but no giant veggies that I saw. There were no bees and no butter cow. The building is pretty, but Iowa's is prettier. I found nothing here of real interest. Advantage: Iowa.

Fine Arts: The Cultural Center at the Iowa State Fair is one of my favorite parts of the fair. The photography salon is huge and separated from the rest of the art. Minnesota mashes it all together, there were very few photographs, and probably about half as much art as you'd see at the Iowa State Fair. There were a few amazing pieces (including a pencil portrait that looked like a photograph), but I was mostly disappointed with the (lack of) content. Advantage: Iowa.

Farm Equipment: The one full-size John Deere tractor was roped off - what's a fair if I can't sit on a tractor? I settled for sitting on a pretty sweet lawn tractor. Case IH wasn't there, and I was mostly uninterested in everything else. Advantage: Iowa.

Fairgrounds in general: I may be biased, but I prefer Iowa's. The Minnesota fairgrounds reminded me a lot of those of the Clay County Fair - flat and rather boring. Iowa has lots of lush green trees and grassy areas. Advantage: Iowa.

4-H Building: Pretty typical - the building was similar in size to Iowa's and the exhibits were good. Advantage: Tie.

FFA Presence: Disappointing, and the FFA building sucked. I did see a couple people in official dress on a stage later in the day and FFA sponsors the Miracle of Birth Center, but I was unimpressed. Advantage: Iowa.

Skyglider: We never got around to riding this, but it looked okay. The great thing about the skyglider at the Iowa State Fair is that it eliminates having to walk up the big hill. The Minnesota fairgrounds are flat so that took some of the allure out of the skyglider. Advantage: Tie.

TV and Media: The Kare 11 building was nice, but nothing compared to the KCCI stage at the Iowa State Fair. I didn't see any television personalities, but it was a weekend afternoon. The Minnesota Public Radio area was nice, and a classical group was about to perform when we were there - the lineup for live performances on the Current during the fair has been fantastic, and I wish Brother Ali had been performing today instead of tomorrow. All the area radio stations have booths and broadcast live from the fair. Advantage: Iowa.

Ye Old Mill: I love the Ye Old Mill at the Iowa State Fair - it's just a boring ride on a wooden boat through a dark tunnel, but I love it, so you can imagine how surprised I was to see one at the Minnesota fairgrounds! It's exactly like Iowa's, except red instead of blue and there are Christmas decorations inside. Advantage: Tie.

Rodgers and Hammerstein Musicals: To my knowledge, Rodgers and Hammerstein never wrote a musical about the Minnesota State Fair. They did, however, write one about the Iowa State Fair, which my high school put on when I was a junior. I had a small role as the girlfriend of Wayne, one of the musical's main characters, who conveniently suddenly gets accepted to nursing school and has to leave right before fair time, only to return at the end realizing She's Made a Huge Mistake. To sum up, that amounted to about two minutes of total stage time for H. I spent the rest of the show playing in the orchestra, but should have been cast as Emily, the girl that douchebag Wayne meets and falls in love with at the fair. That role went to another girl not because she could sing or act, which I could, but because she was a dancer and it was the perfect opportunity to have her work in a tap solo. I'm not bitter at all. Advantage: Iowa.

Public Transportation: Several years ago, my mom heard that they were offering shuttles to the fair from the capitol building in Des Moines, so she decided we should try it out. We parked at the capitol and rode the bus to the fairgrounds without a problem (my first time on a city bus), went about our day at the fair and then went back to the specified gate to catch the shuttle back to the capitol - except it never came. We waited and waited, and others gathered and waited with us. Still, nothing. A few of us ended up hitching a ride to the capitol with a sweet lady in a minivan with an I ♥ Jesus bumpersticker (my first and only experience "hitchhiking").

The Minnesota State Fair is a different story. There are state fair express buses that run from several metro locations every 15 minutes, all day - from 8 or so in the morning until midnight, every day of the fair. We went to the one closest to my house, at the Mall of America, this morning, parked, paid our $5 each (which covers the round trip), and got on the bus. It took off within a few minutes of its scheduled time (they were waiting for it to fill up, which happened quickly), we went about our day at the fair, and when we were ready we went back to the bus stop, hopped on the Bloomington bus and went home. It was fantastic, and really if it wasn't an option I probably would have skipped the fair entirely to avoid traffic and parking hassles. Advantage: Minnesota.

I definitely enjoyed the fair - it's hard not to. And I didn't eat myself into too much of a food coma (I had cheese curds, apple cider, a strawberry smoothie and a cheeseburger). I think my favorite part of the day was the Space Tower, a pleasant ride to the top of a 330 foot structure. I'm deathly afraid of heights but do pretty well in enclosed spaces, and thought the Space Tower was great - the ride rotates slowly around so you get a 360 degree view of the Cities and the fairgrounds below. I was also seated next to a hilarious little kid who announced on the way up "The people look like ants!" and, as we descended, "THE ANTS ARE GETTING BIGGER!" And it sure felt good to be back at the fair. But the evidence here is staggering - my Iowa State Fair is still the best state fair - at least, it is for me.

Inspiration

2009-08-30T18:57:00.004-05:00

I spent the better part of yesterday afternoon/evening watching the Capitol Hill stop for the Ted Kennedy motorcade and then the burial at Arlington National Cemetery. It was very touching, especially when his granddaughter Kiley spoke at the burial, but I won't go on and on about it, and if you want to read something really great that was written about Ted Kennedy's legacy, then read this.

I was just going through the starred items in my Google reader and stumbled across this video. He had to memorize this speech because his vision was compromised due to his brain tumor and related treatments and he couldn't read the teleprompter. He was an inspiration, and he will be missed.

Better than a poke in the eye with a sharp stick

2009-08-18T21:09:00.002-05:00

I started training for the 5K yesterday. Is it sad that I have to "train" for a three-mile event? Is it even sadder that I currently do not possess the ability to run even one-third that distance?

I'm doing a Couch to 5K program, which eases you into the whole running thing, and using the Podrunner Intervals podcast series. Basically in week one you alternate running and jogging for 60 and 90 seconds, respectively; the podcast has faster music for the running parts and slower music for walking, with a nice audio indicator when it's time to speed up or slow down. The podcast is 25 minutes long. I made it 15 minutes yesterday and thought I was going to pass out and die. It's going to be a long road to 5K.

Today I had a killer migraine and stayed home from work, but decided to do a little Yoga Booty Ballet late this afternoon when I was feeling better. About ten seconds into the warm-up, I was a little overly animated with my arms and poked myself in the eye - hard - with my right thumbnail. I was a little freaked out at first that I had done some real damage, but a few hours later it's feeling pretty much back to normal and all the redness is gone. However, I do think it's a sign that this whole working out thing may not be for me!

Spelling test

2009-08-16T21:39:00.001-05:00

From a newspaper I read daily:

Top Headline Poll
Is Barak Obama doing a good job as president?

Is this newspaper doing a good job at spelling? I think not.

My Life According to Led Zeppelin

2009-08-13T22:06:00.001-05:00

Using only song names from ONE ARTIST, cleverly answer these questions. Try not to repeat a song title. It's a lot harder than you think! Repost as "My Life According to ..."

Pick a band/artist: Led Zeppelin

Are you male or female? Black Country Woman

Describe yourself: Dazed and Confused

Describe your current location: Gallows Pole

Describe where you want to be: Going to California

Describe your political philosophy: Nobody's Fault But Mine

Your best friends: All my Love

Your favorite color is: Black Dog

You know that: The Song Remains the Same

What’s the weather like? The Rain Song

If your life was a television show, what would it be called? Trampled Underfoot

What is life to you? Custard Pie

What is your dream job? Fool in the Rain

What’s the worst feeling in the world? In my Time of Dying

Your favorite means of transportation: Misty Mountain Hop

What is the best advice you have to give? Hey Hey What Can I Do

If you could change your name, what would you change it to? Poor Tom

What is your favorite food? Tangerine

Your last words will be: Thank You

How do you feel: Celebration Day

If you could go anywhere, where would you go: Over the Hills and Far Away

Favorite time of day: In the Evening

Your relationships: I Can't Quit You Baby

Thought for the Day: We're Gonna Groove

How I would like to die: Down by the Seaside

Your fear: Communication Breakdown

My motto: That's the Way

My iPod, Myself

2009-08-13T19:03:00.003-05:00

A couple months ago one of Lifehacker’s Deals of the Day was a refurbished iPod for way cheap. I debated and debated about it, going through the pros (iPod! Cheap!) and the cons, the biggest con being that it would be an unnecessary frivolous purchase as my cell phone doubles as an mP3 player – one of my requirements for my last two phones.

But after much hemming and hawing, I decided to go for it, especially since the deal was legit, the iPod was coming directly from Apple and even though it was refurbished they were giving a one-year warranty. Oh, and shipping was free. Free shipping!

A few days later my tiny yellow iPod arrived. His name is Ernie, and I have not regretted my purchase for a millisecond. He provides a soundtrack for my life, and is much more user-friendly than my phone’s mP3 player, although I do miss using my Bluetooth stereo headphones (when iPods become Bluetooth compatible, I will be one happy camper). Would I have found this with any standalone mP3 player? Perhaps, but I prefer not to think about life without Ernie.

Isn't he so little and sweet?

Kathy Griffin, I am not

2009-08-12T17:35:00.002-05:00

Last night my uncle and two cousins came to town for the Twins game. Let me just say that it was a hoot. I mean, aside from the fact that we lost 14-6. I have no idea how the Royals got so many runs, and it seemed like every time I looked up at the scoreboard they had scored again without me ever realizing it.

My cousins are 13 (boy) and 16 (girl) and they are really the most awesome kids ever. I grew up near them and babysat them from the time they were born, and it's been fun to watch them transition from adorable little kids to actual people. They both have these amazing personalities, and they are both - especially the 13-year-old - funny. I mean, he is legitimately funny, not just in a kids-say-the-darndest-things kind of way. This seems to be an inherited trait in our family that goes to the boys, as I cannot effectively tell a joke or a funny story to save my life.

Anyway, it was really nice to have them come visit, even if I did stay up until almost 2 a.m. playing video games with my cousin and even if I was so tired at work today that I ended up leaving at noon, coming home and taking a nearly four-hour nap. Totally worth it.

My current addiction - besides listening to Edward Sharpe, that is (and by the way, have you listened to it yet?) - is playing YoVille on Facebook. The simplest way to explain this is that it's similar to the Sims, but not quite as complex. My mom got me hooked on it the last time I visited, when she did a little virtual tour of the YoVille homes of people we know in real life. As a result I now spend too much time playing YoVille and not enough time training for the 5K I agreed I would run next month. My friend Matt suggested it as something we could do together, the problem being that when he runs currently for exercise he runs almost that distance. I have not run more than 10 feet since I was forced to run in high school. He did make the comment that I don't have to run the whole thing. Joke's on you, sucka - I'm pretty sure that just gave me license to walk the entire 3.1 miles. I really do want to try to run it, though, so I'm starting a Couch to 5K program. They generally last nine weeks so I may have to accelerate my training a bit, but I am hoping to be at least confident that I won't have to walk the whole 5K. At any rate, it's for a good cause that I care about (Special Olympics) and will be a fun event with friends, after which we will probably eat a lot and get drunk. What could be better than that?

Hello, is it me you're looking for?

2009-08-11T16:44:00.002-05:00

Yowza – this blog is getting dusty. I haven’t posted anything since Memorial Day and now the summer’s practically over. Aren’t those the most depressing words? It seems like summer has barely just begun. For one, the weather has been shitty. The past few days have been the first time the weather has really felt like summer to me (except, of course, for the beginning of the season before I got the AC fixed in my car. Hello boob sweat). Secondly, there have been far fewer thunderstorms than normal – last Friday was the first really good one. Third, I haven’t gone swimming. Can you believe that?

There’s been a lot of being out of town this summer, and of course it’s nice to visit friends and family and all that, but sometimes it’s just nice to be home and enjoying your own city. We did spend one fabulous long weekend in Kansas City for my old roommate’s wedding. Flenker gave us a really great tour of a really great town, Ben Franklin checked out my ass, I got drunk and we all ate too much delicious Kansas City barbecue. Also, the temperature was hovering around 100° while we were there, which I loved. Thank you Flenker and thank you Kansas City for being awesome. If I wasn’t so lazy, that trip would have made a great blog post a month and a half ago when it actually happened. Instead, everyone should go to Kansas City and eat here. They have alcoholic milkshakes! And a pickle juice martini! I’m in love.

Before Kansas City we saw Eric Clapton and Steve Winwood. Holy amazing, Batman. The reviewer at the Star Tribune said the show was mediocre and that it was “embarrassing” to have Winwood playing guitar next to one of the all-time legends. Really sir? Was it embarrassing when Kareem played with Magic? Or when Mr. Reese paired peanut butter with chocolate? Anyone who thought that show was mediocre must have been deaf and blind. My only complaint was acoustic “Layla” since the unplugged version sucks and makes for a snoozefest live. Otherwise, my face was rocked off. We went with our friends AG and Mrs. AG and waited forever for a table at dinner, but didn’t think it would be a big deal because we assumed there would be a warm-up band. We walked into the X about 8:05 and Clapton and Winwood were already wrapping up their first song. Apparently as rock stars age they become more punctual.

Last month we went to a hillbilly wedding. Okay, so maybe it wasn’t that bad, but the groomsmen did all wear camouflage vests and cowboy boots and put on cowboy hats at the reception. It was the wedding of one of my best friends from high school and two of my other best girlfriends were bridesmaids. After the rehearsal dinner I was pumping my BFF – the maid of honor – for details and I asked if they had gotten a limo for the wedding party. She shook her head slowly and I asked how they would be getting to the reception. She informed me that they would be riding in a fifth wheel camper and that it wasn’t ready yet because the bride had to get lawn chairs for people to sit on. It does not get much classier than that, folks. My other friend was afraid to ride in it for “safety reasons.” Everyone survived the camper trip and we ended up having a decent drunken time in spite of the fact that country music is the antidote to alcohol. It took my friend’s husband and me at least nine 7&7s to feel anything but once we did – boy howdy. Did I mention there was karaoke at this wedding reception? Somehow her husband and I ended up singing “Build Me Up Buttercup” to an audience of two – his wife and my boyfriend. Thanks, guys, for not pretending to not know us. The Foundations have nothing on T-Rev and H. After that we stole a bottle of Crown Royal from one of the groomsmen and Bill carried it back to the hotel room hidden under his shirt in the waistband of his pants.

Right now I am 100% unequivocally in love with Edward Sharpe and the Magnetic Zeros. Their new album Up From Below is wonderful, and I have listened to it approximately 900 times since I downloaded it Saturday. Try to get "40 Day Dream" out of your head. No really, I dare you. Listen to it. Edward is one of my two favorite new artists this year, right up there with Street Sweeper Social Club. P.S. I still love you Tom Morello.

This weekend Bill and I are taking a little trip for our upcoming anniversary. We had planned on going to Okoboji but none of the hotels I was interested in had rooms available this weekend so we are going to the Wisconsin Dells instead. I have been obsessively checking the weather forecast and it does not look like thunderstorms will be ruining my day at Noah’s Ark.

Memorial Day

2009-05-25T20:35:00.002-05:00

This is the last day of a four-day weekend. I really, really, really do not want to go back to work tomorrow.

Things I did this weekend: Watched my aunt swim at Special Olympics, hit golf balls, played Scrabble with my mom (I did not win but she called me a bitch three times and flipped me off twice, so I did pretty well), attended "cowboy church", played an awesome game called Bananagrams which I absolutely love and which I happen to be awesome at, made donuts, ate donuts, played in the park in my hometown, took pictures of my hometown, splashed around in "my lake", drank a ton of soda, went to the Twins/Red Sox game, had a low-key dinner with friends, dreaded going back to work.

Things I ate this weekend: Delicious barbecue, Pizza Ranch pizza, hash browns and homemade bread, a huge soft shell taco that was so full it fell apart the very second I tried to pick it up, about 25 different bars and desserts including a sort of coffee cake-ish bar with rhubarb (and to think I didn't think I liked rhubarb!), donuts, donuts and more donuts, the most amazing fast food Mexican ever at Taco Tico, cheese curds, a Dome dog, peanuts, one and a half turkey burgers and two pieces of cheesecake.

It was ridiculous. Now it's back to reality, my no-soda diet (hello, caffeine headaches - I'm anticipating them for the next week or so), and I'm starting 30-Day Shred tomorrow, which I am 10% excited about and 90% terrified of. It should be an interesting week.

The vacation that wasn't

2009-04-21T19:21:00.001-05:00

I was supposed to leave for Mexico today. A group of my friends are going to Puerto Vallarta, and Bill and I were supposed to go with them. Until my boss wouldn't let me have time off work. Which is stupid. Anyway, I am not bitter about it at all. I am totally fine with being here in Minnesota where it is currently 60° instead of in Puerto Vallarta where it is currently 86° and going to work instead of drinking margaritas on the beach with my friends.

By the way, I totally should not have looked at the forecast for Puerto Vallarta just now. It is going to be 85°+ and sunny the entire time they are there. Sure, it is supposed to be 85° here on Thursday which is nice, but since it was still winter until like last week it's not like I can go swimming or anything. This is bullshit.

There is one nice part about my friends going to Mexico, though. They are taking my head with them. I wish it was my actual head but it is just a (slightly larger than) life-sized paper cutout of my head. They are going to attach it to some kind of stick and take pictures with it when they are gone. The one thing I asked is that they stick it on the beach and create me a much better body out of sand. I have requested huge boobs. I also asked that they pretend to make my paper head drink margaritas. I can't wait to see what they come up with. Also, since it is a group of gay men I don't think there will be any dirty pictures. Oh, who am I kidding, there probably will be.

Baseball and stuff

2009-03-09T17:52:00.002-05:00

I can't wait for baseball season - and this World Baseball Classic crap isn't cutting it. I just don't care, no matter how much Bill chants "USA! USA!"

I joined our fantasy league today. Our group is doing something a little different this year, something called a rotisserie league. I still don't know what this means, but I do know it has made me very hungry for chicken.

What I have been up to

2009-03-06T16:45:00.001-06:00

Don’t worry, I haven’t kicked the blogging bucket again. I’ve just been busy. Busy doing what, you may ask. Let’s see what’s been happening in the life of H since my last post December 30th:

I read a shit ton in the month of January. The entire Twilight series (the first book of which I read in its entirety on New Years Day), a couple Harry Potter books, and a few nonfiction pieces by the likes of Matt Taibbi, Tom Friedman and Chuck Klosterman. My reading consumption has dropped dramatically in the past month or so.

One of my good friends had a White Trash Wine Party for her birthday, and the game was to blind taste test six samples of wine and determine which three were Franzia. You would think, given my blog title and all, that I would have rocked house at this game (and she picked me as the favorite going in). I got one correct. This just goes to show you how good Franzia actually is, and also how little I know about wine.

I took the Jeopardy! test. I am still waiting for Alex Trebek to call.

We went to Twins Fest in January, which does its best to sate your appetite for the baseball season. It gets a little less exciting every year, but this year I got Harmon Killebrew to autograph my baseball, which was pretty sweet. We also did the clubhouse tour, something I’d never done before.

I turned 25, which kind of sucked. It didn’t suck as bad as I thought it was going to and so far 25 has been alright. I was way spoiled for my birthday, which is silly, because why should people buy me things just for being born? Shouldn’t people buy my mom stuff on my birthday? My actual day was pretty low-key – beers and trivia at Buffalo Wild Wings, then dinner at Black Sheep Pizza in Minneapolis and some air hockey at Gameworks – but the month culminated with a birthday blowout bash last Saturday. My best girlfriend came up from the Iowa and we got all dolled up and had dinner with a few of my closest friends at Buca di Beppo before hitting Barrio for too many margaritas. It was ridiculous in a really good way, and I wish I could say that at 25 I have learned my lesson about when to say no to a tequila shot, but it turns out I have not. Still, it was a fabulous birthday, and it gave me the warm fuzzies to see how many people care so much about me that they will come to my birthday party and buy me dinner and get me drunk and steal pictures of Danny deVito for me.

Tickets were ordered last Saturday morning to see Steve Winwood and Eric Clapton. Live. Together. It's in June at the Xcel, and I almost peed my pants when I found out they were coming here. Cannot. Wait.

I also got a DVR recently. I love it and we are going to get married and have babies. Seriously, how did I ever function without one? You never realize how long commercial breaks actually are until you have to fast forward through them. With my DVR came a whole bunch of new HD channels, which are also amazing. I want to hug my TV every time I watch the Golf Channel in HD. I am especially appreciative of it because I didn’t have cable growing up, and had to tune everything in with the rabbit ears, and half the time watching golf I had a hard time even seeing the ball through the static. To see golf in HD now is like Dorothy seeing Oz when she had come from boring old Kansas.

To the advertising companies, I would just like to say, What the doodle happened to the Daniel Craig billboard on 494 before Lyndale? Don’t you people realize that was the only thing that made me happy in the morning?

The 2008 Besties

2008-12-30T21:07:00.002-06:00

Here they are - my awards for the best things of 2008.

Best movie: There Will Be Blood, No Country For Old Men. I know they were released in 2007, but I saw them both for the first time in 2008 (I think). Also Forgetting Sarah Marshall. Runner up: Quantum of Solace. I can’t wait until it comes out on Blu-Ray, since did I mention I have a Blu-Ray player now? Daniel Craig looks delicious in Blu-Ray.

Best album: My favorite album of 2008 was Vampire Weekend’s eponymous debut. Or Bon Iver’s For Emma, Forever Ago. Or Blitzen Trapper’s Furr. Or the Conor Oberst album. Any one of those, really. I can’t choose.

Best song: This is a toughie. Anything from Vampire Weekend (probably “The Kids Don’t Stand a Chance”). From Bon Iver, “Skinny Love.” Blitzen Trapper’s “Furr.” “Get Better” by Mates of State. Ben Folds’ “Effington.” “White Winter Hymnal” or "Mykonos" from Fleet Foxes. “The Waitress” by Atmosphere. And, my favorite guilty pleasure song of 2008 goes to Britney Spears and “Womanizer.” Yay Britney!

Best week: Um, hello? Is there any question? The week of November 4th takes the cake. First, the Obama landslide and taking back the Senate on Tuesday the 4th, then the impossible last-second – literally - Iowa victory against Penn State on Saturday the 8th – one of my all-time greatest moments as a Hawkeye fan. I was jumping up and down in my living room and called my dad, who was also almost unable to speak from the excitement, and he said “THIS IS ALMOST BETTER THAN WHEN OBAMA WON!” and I said, “Almost! It’s been a good week!” A good week, it was.

Runner up: The week of the Iowa/Minnesota game, which if you’ll recall was a blowout of the 55-0 variety, and I was there in awesome seats that were free, and I was also drunk. The reason this contended for best week of the year is due to the great anticipation leading up to it, the fact that I spent most of the week planning exactly what Hawkeye outfit I would wear and how I would paint my nails (each nail half black, half gold), the fact that I was epically drunk, the life-changing egg rolls we ate right before the game (seriously) and the #1 compliment I have ever received: “Even though you’re from Iowa, you’re still hot!” which was randomly shouted to me by some random dude from a passing car as we walked to the Metrodome. Classic.

Best Day: Election Day. I woke up with butterflies in my stomach, certain I wouldn’t be able to concentrate on anything all day and texted the only person I knew who would be as nervous as I was – my friend Kenny, who was in the process of calling in sick to work. Did I mention that he lives in D.C. and was there to partake in the election night reverie? Proof that I had election fever: I brought donuts to the office, and I never do anything nice for those people.

Runners up: This is a very distant second, but I do have to give mention to the Day I Got the PS3 and The Day I Went to Disneyland.

Best Night (Minus the Booze): The Night I Saw Rage Against the Machine. It was by far the best experience I have ever had sober. I don’t know if I have ever been more excited than I was riding the light rail downtown before the show, and then the boys came out and rocked my world for an hour and a half. Plus, given the political climate with the RNC being in town, it was twice as sweet.

Best Night of Drinking: The Night I Got to Hold the Emmy. This was hands down the best drinking night of the year, beating out the wedding of my “little brother,” the wedding of one of my best friends and the night of Rock the Garden. Oddly, I don’t remember anything that happened before May of this year.

Best Thing That Happened at Work: This is tough, but not because there were so many great things to choose from. I am going to go with, “The fact that I still have a job.” In the current economy, this is truly something to be thankful for and even when things are really shitty at work (which they often are) I just remind myself that it could be worse, and for a split second I feel a little bit better.

Best Concert: I saw a lot this year, but nothing tops Rage Against the Machine. In fact, I am quite sure that nothing will ever top Rage Against the Machine. I still get goosebumps just thinking about it.

Best Parents: Mine.

Best Blog Meeting*: Meeting Whiskeymarie, after the Kate Nash concert in a very loud bar in the Warehouse District where there is a statue of Jack Daniels in the corner. It also happened to be in the very wee hours of her birthday, so she will never be able to forget the day she met me.

Best Moment of Public Humiliation (for another human being): During John McCain’s concession speech, when Sarah Palin was all standing there in her “borrowed” designer suit and you could tell she really wanted to talk, and John McCain didn’t let her. BURN!

Best new TV show: The Rachel Maddow Show. I watch it daily, right after Keith Olbermann.

Best outfit: I was crazy in love with the BCBG dress I wore to my “little brother”’s wedding in May. There’s a BCBG outlet north of the Cities, and I have frequented it – the dress I wore to the wedding was $80 (marked down from $300+); I got another dress there that I wore to a wedding in September for $60 (marked down from $300+). The place is a goldmine. Also, I looked hot in both dresses (this being enhanced by the man candy I had with me).

Best theme park ride experience: Space Mountain, which Bill and I rode five times during our day at Disneyland. If I could marry a theme park ride, it would be Space Mountain, and the Matterhorn would be my bitch lover.

Best accessory: Bill. Second best accessory: The Emmy (if only it was mine).

Best sense of accomplishment: Finishing my NaNoWriMo novel. It might be the worst piece of crap ever written, but I got it done with six days to spare! This makes two years in a row that I’ve done NaNo, and I’m hooked.

Things that did not happen in 2008: I did not win the lottery, the Twins did not win the World Series, Daniel Craig did not propose to me** and my boobs did not magically increase in size.

Still, as you can probably tell, 2008 was a pretty kick ass year. Excuse me while I get all mushy and stuff, but I am ridiculously spoiled and blessed, and I am so fortunate to be living on this little ol’ earth and really looking forward to what the new year will bring (if it could also bring me summer a little bit early, like, say, tomorrow, that would be appreciated too).

*It was the only Blog Meeting – but don’t worry, WM, it still would have been the best
**Dear Bill, Just kidding about the Daniel Craig thing! Love, H

Excuse my absence

2008-12-28T22:20:00.004-06:00

I am on the final day of a nine-day vacation. In those nine days, I have gone from Minnesota to California to Minnesota to Iowa and back to Minnesota again, eaten so much I thought I might vomit, read Chuck Klosterman's new novel Downtown Owl, chopped off five inches of hair, been ridiculously spoiled by Santa, and not had to be at work for a single minute. I am not looking forward to returning to work tomorrow, but the notion is a little more tolerable knowing that I will get to stay home and be lazy and watch Iowa kick some South Carolina ass in the Outback Bowl on Thursday.

Today I've been busy doing all the important things I needed to get done before I went back to work, like watching football and setting up my new keyboard and playing Tiger Woods 09. And since my New Year's diet starts tomorrow, I had to get rid of the leftover pizza in the fridge and drink lots of Coke. So, yes, the blog has been a little neglected.

But never fear! Sometime on or before Wednesday, my as-yet-unnamed Year End Awards (if you have any suggestions for a name, let me know!) will be making their appearance here. Stay tuned!

The most wonderful time of the year, my ass

2008-12-18T21:34:00.005-06:00

Sorry for the lack of posting. I've been busy doing important things like sitting in traffic and freezing my ass off. In case you aren't one of the "lucky" ones who is "fortunate" enough to live in the "beautiful" hellhole that is the state of Minnesota, let me tell you what it is like. It is fucking cold and it snows a lot. It will be like this for six more months, then it will be nice for about two days, and then winter will start again. Then people will play Duck Duck Grey Duck and eat hot dish.

Minnesota is not my favorite place right now.

So, my wireless Internet died tonight. I shouldn't say that. I should say Phoebe, my beloved laptop of one and a half years, suddenly decided that her wireless driver was going to go down the crapper and basically disappear. I am currently chained to my bed in between my failing computer power cord and the Ethernet cable while I download songs for a mix CD for Bill's stepdad for Christmas. These songs include "Love Will Keep Us Together" by Captain and Tenille and "What's New Pussycat." They were requested by the recipient, so I can't even take credit for putting together the greatest mix CD ever assembled.

Did I mention we are going to get another four inches of snow sometime between now and noon tomorrow when the winter weather advisory expires? Don't worry, plenty will have fallen in time to make my morning commute unbearable.

Do you know where the weather doesn't completely suck, though? Los Angeles. Sure, Malibu got a little dusting of snow yesterday but it's nothing this Minnesotan can't handle. That's right, my friends - Bill and I are leaving on a jet plane tomorrow night and touching down in the City of Angels, where we will be spending four days. Temperatures are "only" supposed to be in the lower sixties - i.e. sixty degrees warmer than the highs here all week - with a strong possibility that I am going to see some crazy golden orb in the sky. I can handle that.

Guilty pleasures

2008-12-09T17:39:00.003-06:00

These are two of my favorite songs at the moment, and I am not ashamed to admit it! Well, maybe a little.

First:

I tried to post the video, but I couldn't find one where embedding was enabled. Boo.

And second:

I have had "Womanizer" in my head for the past two weeks straight. I cannot get enough of it and I sing it all the time. It's like a disease. I even watched the Britney documentary on MTV Saturday morning - and I never watch MTV. I have the sickness, y'all.

A miniature Christmas

2008-12-08T18:58:00.002-06:00

Bill’s company was one of the few left in America to throw its employees a Christmas party, and his was last night at a country club in southern Minnesota. Struggling industry, my ass.

Or so I thought, until it came time for dessert.

We had to wait until after Christmas trivia games for the extremely overhyped "special dessert." This so-called "special dessert" consisted of waitresses walking around with trays with tiny food. It was like dessert for midgets. First up: Tiny little cakes, maybe two inches wide and two inches tall, gingerbread and peppermint. “Which one’s gingerbread?” I asked. “Um, I think the brown one?” the waitress replied. Luckily, she was right, but nothing says class like “Um, I think the brown one?”

Next: Petit fours. Yes, more tiny cakes. They were frosted brown, yellow, and white. “There’s chocolate and vanilla,” the waitress said. I took a “chocolate” one. Someone else took a “vanilla” one. She bit into hers and said, “This is lemon.” I bit into mine and said “This is lemon.”

Finally: Chocolate mousse. I heard the waitress say that and thought, There! At last, there is my special dessert. I turned to look at her and she was holding a tray of spoons with one dollop of chocolate mousse and a little chocolate swirly thing on each.

Two tiny cakes of questionable flavor and one spoonful of crappy chocolate pudding does not a "special dessert" make, but at least now it's clear what corners were cut to throw a Christmas party in the first place.

Because I freaking love Christmas

2008-12-04T17:17:00.016-06:00

I love Christmas. It is the one time of year when I get all mushy gushy, when I don't mind as much if you cut me off on the freeway because it's that time of year, and the one time when snow is acceptable (too bad I live in Minnesota and this is nowhere near a possibility). I was begging to put up my Christmas tree well before Halloween, but managed to hold off until mid-November. Then I went to town.

Exhibit A: What it looks like when you walk in our front door at night. (Yes, there is a cat creeping up there - say hi to Bella!)

Exhibit B: The stockings are hung by the heat register with care. We don’t have a fireplace, and this wall was looking kind of bare (there used to be a bar here, but my old roommate took it when she moved). Bill got a new stocking ,and new roomie got a stocking as well. The little ones are for the kitties. Mine is looking a little rough after a year (oh, who am I kidding? Nine months) in storage, but it’s bigger than theirs. HA.

Exhibit C: I can’t decide if these lights look tacky or not. I kind of think they do, but I also don’t care much.

Exhibit D: The tree. I had some serious issues lighting it this year. Last year I got one string of lights on perfectly on the first try, and that was all I needed and it was beautiful. I did this at least ten times and ended up using one string of one hundred and one string of fifty lights and I still think it looks like shit. I went with all gold ornaments this year (except for the inexplicable addition of Sweet Tarts candy canes) and think I did a pretty craptastic job at decorating, but I was so frustrated after the debacle with the lights that I was beyond the point of caring.

Exhibit E: The one exception to the gold ornament rule.

Exhibit F: The kitty tree. Bella wouldn’t leave my damn tree alone, so Bill got the brilliant idea to buy them this little tree for five dollars at Target and attach some of their cloth mice to it. And it worked! Bella hasn’t bothered the real tree since. That's Trixie sniffing around.

Exhibit G: My ever growing collection of Santas.

Exhibit H: The Playstation 3. What, that's not a Christmas decoration? Yeah, you're right. I just wanted to show it off.

There you have it - proof that I have too much time on my hands and should not ever consider photography as a possible career.